Nips

You know how some actresses go to Lloyd's of London and insure some part of their body, like J-Lo's ass or Mariah Carey's legs or whatever their main money-maker is? I've been talking to my agent, Tony, and he thinks that I should do the same thing.

So I'm going to get insurance on my nipples.

Hey, ever since my first wet t-shirt scene in "Frat Night Beer Fest 2," my nipples have helped get me a LOT of work. If something ever happened to them...well, I don't even want to think about it. I do a lot of my best acting with my nipples.

I'm thinking I'll get 'em insured for a million bucks. That's $500,000 each. That'll cover damage to them if the make up guys get a little too enthusiastic with the ice cubes, as well as pay for any electrolysis I might need to have on them.

The problem is, Lloyd's isn't selling nipple insurance right now, so I'm going to go with another company: Vinnie's of Vegas. I think that $50.00 a month is a good deal for that much coverage, don't you?

I'm doing all this for you, my fans. My nipples are your nipples.