Bambi-Lyn's Mailbag

So I thought I'd answer a few fan letters that I've received recently, so all my fans could enjoy it. I get so many emails and letters that I've had to pick only two or three letters this time, but that's all I have time to do anyway. So here we go:

Dear Bambi-Lyn,

I think you are the most beautiful actress in the world. I want to marry you and keep you pregnant ALL THE TIME! We would have such pretty babies...you would never want anything else in the world but to be my wife and the mother of my children. Give me directions to your place and I'll come and rescue you from your life!

Love always,

Tony K.

Dear Tony,

Wow...it's always great to hear from a true fan. Thanks for your offer, but I'm not really into the whole "bearing children" thing right now. I've got to keep my bod in top condition, and I don't think I'd be able to star in the upcoming "Nubile Nymphs from Hell" if I had a kid on the way. Sweet of you to ask, though. Do me a favor and send ME your complete name and address, so I can keep an eye out for you in the future, 'kay?

Hugz,

Bambi-Lyn

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Dear Bambi,

I'm a talent scout looking for fresh new faces (and bodies ) and I have to say that you are perfect for the reality show I'm casting! It's a simple premise: twenty girls compete for the love of a fairly well-known horror movie actor. They all want to be chosen as his "Scream Queen of Love" and will do anything--and we encourage them to do ANYTHING, if you know what I mean--to keep from being voted off. There is, of course, nudity required, and we would ask you to have a complete physical first to make sure you are disease-free. You got the look that could win the Scream King's heart. If you're interested, drop me a email and let me know when to schedule your private audition at my offices.

Bernard S.

Dear Bernard,

While I appreciate any opportunity to perform and share my vast talents with the world, I'm not sure if your reality show would be the best idea for me right now. I would hate to overshadow the other girls who would be competing (because, come on...have you seen me?). I also think I know who your "Scream King" is, and I dated him a few years ago, before he dumped me for Steffy Von Krunk. So you'd better get HIM tested for disease, because I bet his dangly bits are like petri dishes by now.

You also didn't say if this was a paying gig or not. And like my momma always taught me: no money, no honey.

Hugz,

Bambi

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Dear "Bambi-Lyn,"

You are the most conceited, arrogant bitch I have ever seen! You're not all that! You think you're so hot, and you look like every other bimbo in so-called horror movies. I don't know why you think you're better than everyone. You can't act and your tits are fake! Retire already and leave everybody alone!

Not a Fan!

Dear "Not",

Wow...I always knew that there were women out there with jealousy issues, but you're just insane with it! I'm printing out your email to frame and hang with all my awards ("Most Gore-gious Girl," "Bloody Babe of the Year," "Wicked Wench 2004," "Best Boobs 2003," etc.) just to get a laugh or two. Take my advice, hon: pull the stick out of your ass and apply it to another orifice; maybe it'll put you in a better mood.

Hugz!!

Bambi-Lyn

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Whew...that's enough for now. I'll dig into my "male" bag again later. Right now, I've got to go to the spa for my Brazilian (got a nude scene tomorrow and I want to look perfect).

I bid you toodles!

Bambi-Lyn