Momma Bambi

Bambi-Lyn decided to become a mother.

Oh, don't worry, fans! I haven't ruined my perfect body by forcing it to go through the whole pregnancy/childbirth ordeal. God, no! Instead, I chose to go the Angelina route (and she's such a dear, sweet friend...or at least she would be if she returned my calls, I just know it!) and adopt a baby.

But where to go? What precious soul should I save by rescuing it from a life of poverty and dirt and yuck? What country should I grace with my maternal instinct? I agonized over my decision for over two hours! Should I go to Africa? Russia? China? Where in the world was the baby that was destined to be my child?

Unfortunately, Africa is a little too wartorn and dangerous for me right now, and Russia and China are soooooo far away...who wants to sit on a plane for hours and hours? Not me!

So instead, I decided to take a day trip down to Mexico, and there, at an orphanage, I found the most beautiful little girl. Her name was Juna, and when she smiled at me, I knew that one day she would grow up to be even more beautiful than I.

So I kept walking. Who needs the competition, am I right?

I almost didn't think my destined child was there in Mexico, until the nuns brought out their last baby, a little boy they'd named Eduardo. I held him in my arms and knew that finally, I had found the missing piece of my soul. And then he threw up on me, and I kinda wondered if maybe the missing piece of my soul might be a cleaner kid.

The nuns allowed me to spend some time with Eduardo to see if we might bond, and left me alone with him. I didn't know what to do at first, but then my exquisite maternal instinct kicked in. When he cried, I cried along with him so he'd know I felt his pain. He cried a lot. I guess he didn't like being an orphan. After a while, he got boring. So I just kinda looked at him and he looked at me.

There would be so many challenges to being Eduardo's mother, not the least of which was the language barrier. How would we communicate when he began to speak? I don't know any Spanish! And changing diapers...would I really be expected to handle poop? And what would I do when he started asking questions about his real parents? Should I tell him that they heartlessly abandoned him to a run down orphanage, or try to make him feel better by telling him that they both died a tragic, painful death in a factory fire?

And then, what would I do when I decided to go find Eddie a daddy? Would I have to take him on dates with me? What if I wanted to go out to the clubs and go dancing? Could I stick a bottle full of coffee in his mouth and keep him up all night with me and my date?

And then, what about my acting career? I'm used to being able to pick up and go at a moment's notice, jetsetting around the world (okay, around the state at least) whenever I want. How could I do that when I had this awful responsibility hung round my neck? What about what I want? What about my life? What about me?

The nuns came back and I had to tell them thanks but no thanks. Maybe when I'm older, and when I don't care about my looks or my social life as much any more. I do have to say that I did not appreciate the looks they gave me when I left. Nuns should not smirk, and they certainly should not mutter "Told you so" and bet on the outcome of anything. I'm pretty sure it's not in the Bible for them to do that.

So...there it is. For a few hours, Bambi-Lyn Couchet was a mother. I'll always keep Eduardo in my heart, and I know his life will be deeply enriched by the time he spent in my arms. Well, in the same room with me.

Yes, it was the least I could do. But if I could bring even a moment of sunshine into the lives of those less fortunate than me, then I was worth it.