An Exclusive Interview With Moi--Part 1

One of the pitfalls of being a glamorous and successful actress is that sometimes when I'm interviewed, the so-called "journalist" is so consumed with her own envy of my beauty that she proceeds to print a total hack job on me. I'm sure you guys saw last month's article in that rag, "Bloody Bimbos," that stated that I had lipo and used to weigh 300 pounds before I broke into the business. Total, total lies! That little bitch got her "inside" information from Steffy Von Kronk, and we all know how much that twatwaffle likes me.

So in order to avoid the lies and disinformation that's been spread out there, I'm going to publish, for the first time ever, the most exclusive Bambi-Lyn interview ever. I've interviewed myself, so you know it's all true. Cross my heart. I'm an actress...you know *I'd* never lie about anything!

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Adventures in Scream-Queening: The World's Most Desirable Scream Queen Speaks Out About Life, Love, and Everything In Between by Bambi-Lyn Couchet

Her life is a fairy tale complete with happy endings. Bambi-Lyn Couchet was born in a small town just outside of Columbus, Ohio. Her first years were marked with sadness, when her mother decided she could not bear to compete for attention with such a beautiful child and left her family to become an exotic dancer in Ontario, Canada. As a result of this early pain, Bambi-Lyn became her father's angel, and he spared no expense to make sure his daughter received all the best acting, singing, and dancing lessons money could buy. Of course, Bambi-Lyn excelled in all of the arts, but acting held a special magic for her. Hollywood would be her destiny, and she left home at the tender age of 16 to become a star.

Her extreme beauty and unbelievable talent took the town by storm. Agents approached her from the moment she stepped off the bus, but she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life and exactly who she wanted to represent her. She had heard of the great Bernardo Pucci through his (now off-line) website and went directly to his office. She knocked his socks off with her audition, and he immediately signed her up for her first film: the classic teen comedy "High School Horndogs."

"Bambi, man...that girl was hot as hell when she came to my office," Bernardo says now. "She was wearing this teeny little mini-skirt and a tube top that was about to pop off her tits--can I say 'tits'? Okay...her boobies. Anyway, she knew exactly what she wanted and she knew what she had to do to get it. I told her right then, 'Babe, with your looks you can have any damn thing you want in this town.' And I was right. She got the lead shower girl role in "HSH" the next day, and her career was on its way."

Here, then, is the world exclusive interview with the indomitable Bambi-Lyn Couchet, given to the only person in the world who could do her justice: Bambi-Lyn Couchet herself.

Bambi-Lyn: I usually don't do interviews, so this is really rare for me.

BLC: I know the fans will appreciate getting this peek inside the life of the world's most fabulous Scream Queen. Speaking of which, how do you feel about the title of "Scream Queen." Is it a blessing or a curse?

Bambi-Lyn: Obviously, it's a blessing for me. I'm not one of these actresses who uses horror movies as a stepping stone to "real" films. Not me! I love appearing in these movies. I love acting. I love getting a semi-regular paycheck. Any actress who tries to deny the title of "Scream Queen" needs a reality check, and fast.

BLC: What do you think of other actresses in this genre?

Bambi-Lyn: Well, at the risk of being labeled a bitch (but then again, when haven't I been called that?), other actresses piss me off. I refuse to share top billing with anyone, because I know that my name alone will guarantee sales. My fans are loyal, and they know what they want: me, naked, covered in blood, either killing people or being killed. And that's what I give them. There's no room for anyone else in the equation. Let them develop their own fan clubs on their own time. They're not horning in on mine!

BLC: What about your fan club? What are they like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, they're just the most darling, adorable bunch of geeks you'd ever want to meet. Although I haven't actually *met* them. They have their weekly meetings and watch my movies, and they have a little website with all of my merchandise and DVDs (I think it's down right now, though). They're so loyal to me, it's just incredible. I've even heard that they'll go to conventions to which I wasn't invited and heckle the actresses who are there! Isn't that great? They really love me, and as long as they keep sending in their $100 per quarter dues to stay in the club, I really love them, too.

BLC: What was your first horror movie like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, God...that's such ancient history! My horror cherry was popped with the classic, "Witch Hunt 5: Burned at the Stake." I played a stripper/witch named Simone and the experience was so freeing to me as an actress. I really felt like I was able to express the dual sides of my personality in that role: the dark and light Bambi-Lyn, if you will. My stripper routines were choreographed by Lady Vyxyn, one of the tops in the field, and I won a Golden G-String award for my dancing skills. I first attained the title of Scream Queen with this film, and from there I knew my path was set. Horror was my future, and I was ready to do whatever I had to do to be a star.

Like what you've read so far? Stay tuned...Part 2 of the interview coming soon!!!

Update on "Bigfear"

I've just gotten back from a crazy filming schedule for "Bigfear," and I think we've got an award-winning movie on our hands. The love scenes between me and the monster were just amazing, and except for getting fake fur in my mouth in every shot, it wasn't too bad kissing a rubber mask. It beat what I had to do to get this movie funded!

So what did I miss while I was away in the wilds of Tarzana filming my masterpiece? I bet the Bigfoot coverage is going to guarantee us a distribution deal! Let me go to another window and check the latest news...

.....

...well, crap! Crap crap crap CRAP! It's a fake? The whole thing was a hoax? What about my movie? The whole selling point was the discovery of a new species! And what about the Bigfoot tattoo I got on my ass?

Damn it.

Well, maybe we can go for some re-shoots. I can find out that the Bigfoot who has fallen in love with me is really some yahoo in a cheap costume who decides to kill everybody who gets in his way. I think I can get some girls out there in cheerleader costumes, and I can make a couple of gallons of Karo blood.

Thank God I'm brilliant enough to think on my feet like this.

My Newest Triumph: "BIGFEAR"

(Note: I also posted this blog on my Myspace page and on Pretty-Scary.net--I want the world to know about my screenwriting debut--for reals, this time; those other scripts didn't get made!)

So since the announcement the other day of the Bigfoot body a couple of hunters shot in Georgia, I've already put into production the newest Bambi-Lyn Couchet Masterpiece of Modern Terror (tm): "BIGFEAR"!

I wrote the script myself, because I'm tired of being the sex object in some nerd's fantasy. So of course, my film has style and class and romance. It's a loose re-imagining of "King Kong," and I must say, it's going to be a classic. Especially since I'm writing AND starring in it. I'll probably help with the directing too, because the director's some young guy who doesn't know his ass from his elbow and will be easy to manipulate--er, make suggestions to.

In my movie, the giant gorilla is going to be a giant Bigfoot, and I'm going to be the classy Diane Fossey type Bigfootologist who is out int he woods with her team to study him. After rampaging through the camp, he's going to kidnap me and fall in love with me, blah blah blah. I take him back to L.A. to reveal him to the world, and he gets all freaked out by the cameras and media and Paris Hilton lookalikes and goes nutzoid and kills a bunch of people. Then he climbs to the top of a tree (we can't afford too many locations) and gets shot and dies. "T'was great, outstanding, unbelievable, ungodly beauty that killed the beast." You know the story.

I'm super excited to be updating such a classic film. There's one scene where Bigfoot fights a chupacabra over me that will have you on the edge of your couch (because this is going to be direct to DVD). And then there's the love story...we're going to have to do some fancy editing to get around Bigfoot's OTHER big appendage, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

It's going to be shot over the next couple of weekends down at the director's mom's house in Tarzana. I've already got my tear-away leather bikini ready. I just feel bad for the poor bastard who has to wear the Bigfoot suit. At least I get to be naked for most of the movie!

PS: If the Bigfoot suit looks familiar, it's probably because the cheap-ass producers rented it from the guys who made the porn classic, "In Search of Bigd**k" (or as it's known overseas, "Sascrotch: The Breast Beast." You don't even want to know what that stuff is in the fake fur. Trust me. You don't want to know.