Beauty really IS only skindeep...

But lucky for me, I have really deep skin.

Sometimes it's so hard to be beautiful.

Seriously. Every day I wake up and fling the covers from my naked, perfectly bronzed, immaculately waxed, centerfold-ready body and wonder why no one ever sees the REAL me. The me underneath the gorgeously tousled, honey blond hair. The me behind the huge, cornflower blue eyes that never need mascara. The me behind the pouty, naturally full lips that are said to make Angelina's look like trout-pout.

It's just SO HARD!

For example, my last job was on a movie that filmed over in the country of Europe. It was a vampire movie, and I--of course--played the evil vampire Queen. My costume was basically a couple of pieces of dental floss, and I spent most of the movie covered in blood. My usual gig.

So during my big dramatic scene with some twinkie of an actress named Lezlie (yes, spelled with a 'z' because she thinks it's cute), I told the director that I thought the conflict between our characters would be better illustrated if our fight scene ENDED in the pit of blood, rather than beginning there. That way, when we rip each other's tops off, it'll be really dramatic and meaningful. And do you know what that jerk said to me?

"You're not paid to talk, Bambi. You're paid to stand there, flash your tits, and look pretty."

What???? Excuse me, but I did more stunt work in "Queen Suckula's Dungeon of Lusty Doom" than in any other movie I've appeared in. Who hung naked from the harness for the sex scene with the hunchback and the mad scientist? ME! Who jumped from the top of a castle into a pool of fake blood while wearing only a g-string? ME!

And he says I'm just standing around? Please! Spare me!

Seriously. And as far as flashing my tits go...that's my trademark, pal. My boobs are my fortune, and I've never forgotten that. If it wasn't for Eeney and Meeney (that's what I call the girls), I'd still be in Ohio, working at Hooters and divorced with a half-dozen kids.

And looking pretty just comes naturally to me, bub. I mean, look at my picture. Geez.

Anyway...I'm back for a while, so I'm going to try to blog a little more frequently. I know my fans have missed me. I've got to tell you what happened during my audition for the "Rock of Love" rip-off called "F**k Bunnies".

Ta for now, sweeties.