Bite me, world! I'm still alive!!!!

Hello again my darlings...

I know, I know...it's been a long time since I've written here, but things have been a little strange in Bambi-Land. I've received so many concerned emails from my fans that I felt I simply had to let you all know exactly why I've been gone so long.

The truth is...I was abducted by a stalker.

Yes, yes...I know you're all absolutely horrified by the thought of me being held captive by a pimply-faced creep, but that's exactly what happened. Any rumors you might have heard about me recuperating from extensive plastic surgery are silly lies perpetrated by Steffy Von Kronk. It's scientific fact that stressful situations make your boobs bigger and erase eyebags. Google it and see.

But anyway...it was such an ordeal you would not believe it. Of course, I'll be starring in a movie based on my experiences, but still...the horror of it all!

It began late in the evening on October 2. I was just finishing up some post-production looping on my newest movie, "Queen Suckula's Cooch of Corruption" (apparently my screams of terror sounded too much like my cries of orgasmic pleasure and needed to be fine-tuned). The parking lot was dark and deserted. The sound of dead leaves being tossed along the pavement was like the whisper of voices from beyond the grave. I was alone, being between boyfriends at the time, and I walked quickly to my little convertable, my five-inch heels clicking too loudly against the sidewalks.

At my car, I sensed movement behind me. I turned around...nothing there. Of course, it was just my imagination. Sure, I'd been receiving more creepy fan mail than usual, but honestly...not a day passed that I didn't get at least one "I love you so much I have to kill you and wear your skin" letter. I decided not to let my imagination get the better of me, so I opened my car door, not even noticing that I'd forgotten yet again to lock it.

I drove through the dark, quiet night. Suddenly my engine sputtered: out of gas! But there, in the distance, was my salvation: a Circle K. A heavy rain began to fall, water spilling from the dark night sky like sheets of silvery fury. I pulled into the station and climbed out of the car, my long legs glistening with raindrops as I began to pump hot, wet gas into my desperate, open tank. I noticed the guy inside the station watching me the way all men watch me, with hungry lust in his eyes, and I tossed him a smile and a shake of my ass as I replaced the pump. My fans deserve no less.

I crossed the parking lot to pay, my dress soaking up the warm rain and becoming totally see-through, and the attendent seemed nervous as he swiped my credit card. I'm used to men becoming childish boys in my presence, so I thought nothing of it. He spit out a stream of brown chewing tobacco and said, "Ma'am, I don't think your card's gonna work. You'd best get inside here and take care of it."

What a crude come on! I laughed and pulled out cash. "I think this should more than cover it," I said and smiled brilliantly.

"No, ma'am...I can't take your cash tonight." The guy kept looking over my shoulder at my car. "You'd better just come on in."

"Nonsense!" I sputtered. "Good day to you, sir!"

With that, I turned on my five-inch heel and traipsed back to my car. I heard the attendent calling "Ma'am! Ma'am!" over and over, but I ignored it. Silly fool. Sometimes men were so overcome by being in the presence of a star such as myself that they lose all common sense.

I climbed back into my car and set about my way again, singing along with the radio as I always do. My voice was so much better than the singers, however, that I felt a stab of pity for them and turned the music off, listening instead to the swipe of the windshield wipers. I noticed there was an unfamiliar smell in the car--like cat piss on a hot radiator--but dismissed it as just me being silly again. It wasn't long before my thoughts moved on to other things, like the first day of shooting for "SexBeast 3: Doggy Style." I hated playing a werewolf, and I dreaded the extensive make up I'd have to wear.

Before too long, I was home. My fabulous cottage overlooks the freeway (what I consider the throbbing life pulse of the city) and I was so tired that I barely managed to drag myself through the front door and tear off my clothes. Nude, I wandered through the house, enjoying the reflection of myself in the windows too much to close the curtains. One little drinky-poo and then I'd be off to bed like a good girl.

I'd just began to mix my cosmo when the phone rang. Odd for someone to call me so late at night, but when you're a celebrity such as myself, the world can make demands at odd hours. I picked up my cell and heard heavy breathing. Must be a wrong number I thought as I listened to the sound. I began breathing hard myself, thinking it would be funny to give the pervo a thrill, when suddenly a man's voice said, "Go check the email."

"Excuse me?" I said in mid-orgasmic gasp.

"Go...check...the...email..."

Click! He hung up.

Rolling my eyes, I sighed and decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to check my email before bed. You never know who might add you as a friend on Myspace, after all. I slipped into my silk robe and sat down at the computer. I checked my email on hotmail (screamqueenbambi-lyn @ hotmail. com) and was horrified by what I found:

Spam emails. Hundreds of them!

I deleted and deleted and deleted, but there were too many. Penis enlarging techniques. Viagra. Porn ads. I cried out as my hand cramped at my house and my finger locked up while right-clicking. Stop it! Why wouldn't it just stop?

Finally, after what felt like minutes, I'd gotten down to my only actual email. It was from someone I didn't know: wearbambilynsfacelikeamaskandmakelovetohercorpse @ yahoo.com. Of course, I opened it, thinking it was a love letter from a fan. This is what the email said:

To my dear soon-to-be wife beyond the grave,

Bambi-Lyn, you will know the true meaning of my love for you when I come tonight. We will make sweet, sweaty love in the moonlight and you will be forever mine. And when I plunge my dagger of Shoggoth into your heart and sip the sweet nectar of your blood and bile, you will release me from my earthly bondage and allow me to become the true god among men that I am. I will skin your flesh from your body with love and care, and cherish the feel of your skin as I wear it over my naked body and caper about in the moonlight, singing songs of praise to Quith-Kul, arch demon of Hell. You are the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth or any other, and such beauty cannot be allowed in this festering hellpit of filth and degradation. By releasing your soul and devouring it, you will become part of me for all eternity, and together we will rule the fields and plains of planet Nebbulite and I will own your soul forever.

Love,

Bob

Hmm. Just another typical fan letter. I switched off the computer and finished my drink, looking forward to a good night's sleep before filming in the morning.

Little did I know what awaited me in my bedroom...

(See that? That's called a cliff-hanger ending. I want my fans to be on the edge of their seat as they wonder just what happened to their beloved Bambi-Lyn. Will I be killed? Will I survive the night? Well...yeah, obviously I did, but just go with me here and enjoy the suspense.)

TO BE CONTINUED...!!!!!

Guest Shot in "Monty"

Pretty good likeness. What a surprise to see myself in Jim Meddick's comic, "Monty." Just goes to prove that the power of Bambi-Lyn transcends all media. I even conquer the comics world.

Politics, Milk Tits, and What I Believe

A lot of people have been asking me, "Bambi-Lyn, just what do YOU think about Sarah Palin?" (they ask me this because they know that, among other things, I am a political genius).

While I generally don't discuss politics with people, I'll make an exception for this. I have to say that I think it's fantabulous for a woman to run for vice president. Why, Sarah Palin has all the prerequisites for a legendary VP: she's pretty, she has a nice figure, and she really pulls off that sexy librarian look (not as well as I do, but then again...no one does).

Sure, she's only been governor of Alaska for a year or so. And sure, people say she "misused" her power to get people fired who didn't agree with her, but who DOESN'T do stuff like that? I mean, come on...she's up in Alaska. Do you know how boring it probably gets up there? If not for her firing people without due cause or good reason, those people wouldn't have ANYTHING to talk about. She actually performed a public service.

And all this book banning nonsense...she's pretty! She doesn't HAVE to read! Reading is for fat girls who have too many cats. I'm sure that if she thinks a book isn't appropriate for a library, then she's absolutely right, because we all know that attractive people really do know what's best for everyone else. And come on...I'm sure the library had all kinds of other books anyway. Who would miss them?

I'm so tired of people calling Palin out on her anti-abortion, anti-sex education issues. Obviously, she knows what's best for other women. She's been pregnant so many times, she's proven to these teen mothers that it's no biggie! Sure, you might get fat for a little while, but you can diet and exercise like crazy after you have your precious bundle of unwanted sunshine to get back down to your man-trapping weight! Plus, you'll have milk tits, the best (natural) tits in the world! Would you rather have some MAN telling you that you couldn't abort a baby even if you'd been raped by your uncle? No, you wouldn't. You want somebody with a vagina to make that decision for you.

I think so many people (especially women) don't like Palin because she's pretty. It's been my experience that average-to-ugly women just don't care for women who are more attractive than they are. Jealousy is such an ugly thing. I have to put up with it from every woman I meet because I'm SO much more beautiful than they will ever be, and let me tell you...I know exactly what Sarah Palin is going through. She's a former beauty queen edging towards her fifties, though, so I'm sure all that jealousy will go away pretty soon once the boobs start sagging and the wrinkles start showing up through the make-up. After all, is anybody jealous of Hillary Clinton?

The bottom line is this: men will vote for Palin because she reminds them of the hot teacher/librarian/friend's mom they always wanted to nail. Women will vote for her because they think she's all feminist and crap because she managed to pop out five kids and keep a full-time job. Face it...nobody's going to be voting Republican because of McCain. He might be a former POW, but he's no Brad Pitt.

Will I vote for McCain/Palin in November? I'm not saying. I don't want to alienate my fans. I usually write myself in for president, but that hasn't panned out yet. I just wanted the world to know that they're wrong to judge Sarah Palin on her poor performance in office, or her intolerant religious beliefs, or her unrealistic views on teen abstinence. Judge her on what McCain judged her by. Judge her on her looks.

After all, pretty people always know what's best. And I should know.

New Movie on the Horizon

I'm so excited! I'm getting ready to write AND produce AND star in another one-of-a-kind Bambi-Lyn Couchet classic. This one's going to be a period piece, and I'm doing extensive research for it. I mean, I even went to the library! Yeah...be impressed.

What I'm most excited about is that this is the first film I've done that will have CGI in it. They tell me it'll look just as good as anything in "Star Wars"--whatever that movie is. I don't really watch movies that don't star me, so I might be a little behind in what's popular. I guess it's science fiction or something, which means there's no way I'll sit through it. I mean, geek city.

Anyway, the new movie's a period piece like I said, and I think it's going to be the most exciting Bambi-Lyn movie ever. My character is a young girl on the fragile precipice of womanhood who must struggle through adversity to become the leader she was born to be. It's really deep. I'm totally stoked to be able to use my award-winning acting ability to bring this character, La-La, to life.

I even designed my fur bikini myself. I used velcro so it's rip-offable. I look killer hot in it. Here's a rough prototype:

The best thing about the bikini? I don't have to get a friggin' Brazillian wax! Everything will just blend together all nice and easy. The worst thing? I've got a feeling PETA is going to be all over my ass for using real fur. I can't help it if the baby seal/polar bear mix is the softest fur in the world!


Yeah, "Tyrannosaurus Sex" is going to be an instant classic. I bet even Blockbuster will agree to carry it! Unless they're still all tight-assed about nudity, sexual content, and dinosaurs giving nubile young cavewomen erotic massages. Prudes.

Is There Anything I CAN'T Do?

The Universe has demanded that Bambi-Lyn share her immeasurable wisdom to the world, and so it is my pleasure to announce that I now write a column for the amazing site, Pretty-Scary.net.

It's an advice column, and I have to say that it has been a wonderful experience sharing my vast opinions with the world so far. It's a great opportunity for me to break through the glass ceiling of scream queens and prove that I'm much more than a stunningly beautiful face and soul-rendingly perfect figure. Some people say that I'm a goddess. I have no problem with that.

So write me with your questions! Male or female, I'll give advice, answer questions, share my knowledge with anybody who writes in (and who has an interesting question that is worthy of my time). Send your questions to me at screamqueenbambi-lyn @ hotmail.com (be sure to scrunch it all up together when you type it in).

Come on...you know you wanna.

An Exclusive Interview With Moi--Part 1

One of the pitfalls of being a glamorous and successful actress is that sometimes when I'm interviewed, the so-called "journalist" is so consumed with her own envy of my beauty that she proceeds to print a total hack job on me. I'm sure you guys saw last month's article in that rag, "Bloody Bimbos," that stated that I had lipo and used to weigh 300 pounds before I broke into the business. Total, total lies! That little bitch got her "inside" information from Steffy Von Kronk, and we all know how much that twatwaffle likes me.

So in order to avoid the lies and disinformation that's been spread out there, I'm going to publish, for the first time ever, the most exclusive Bambi-Lyn interview ever. I've interviewed myself, so you know it's all true. Cross my heart. I'm an actress...you know *I'd* never lie about anything!

****

Adventures in Scream-Queening: The World's Most Desirable Scream Queen Speaks Out About Life, Love, and Everything In Between by Bambi-Lyn Couchet

Her life is a fairy tale complete with happy endings. Bambi-Lyn Couchet was born in a small town just outside of Columbus, Ohio. Her first years were marked with sadness, when her mother decided she could not bear to compete for attention with such a beautiful child and left her family to become an exotic dancer in Ontario, Canada. As a result of this early pain, Bambi-Lyn became her father's angel, and he spared no expense to make sure his daughter received all the best acting, singing, and dancing lessons money could buy. Of course, Bambi-Lyn excelled in all of the arts, but acting held a special magic for her. Hollywood would be her destiny, and she left home at the tender age of 16 to become a star.

Her extreme beauty and unbelievable talent took the town by storm. Agents approached her from the moment she stepped off the bus, but she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life and exactly who she wanted to represent her. She had heard of the great Bernardo Pucci through his (now off-line) website and went directly to his office. She knocked his socks off with her audition, and he immediately signed her up for her first film: the classic teen comedy "High School Horndogs."

"Bambi, man...that girl was hot as hell when she came to my office," Bernardo says now. "She was wearing this teeny little mini-skirt and a tube top that was about to pop off her tits--can I say 'tits'? Okay...her boobies. Anyway, she knew exactly what she wanted and she knew what she had to do to get it. I told her right then, 'Babe, with your looks you can have any damn thing you want in this town.' And I was right. She got the lead shower girl role in "HSH" the next day, and her career was on its way."

Here, then, is the world exclusive interview with the indomitable Bambi-Lyn Couchet, given to the only person in the world who could do her justice: Bambi-Lyn Couchet herself.

Bambi-Lyn: I usually don't do interviews, so this is really rare for me.

BLC: I know the fans will appreciate getting this peek inside the life of the world's most fabulous Scream Queen. Speaking of which, how do you feel about the title of "Scream Queen." Is it a blessing or a curse?

Bambi-Lyn: Obviously, it's a blessing for me. I'm not one of these actresses who uses horror movies as a stepping stone to "real" films. Not me! I love appearing in these movies. I love acting. I love getting a semi-regular paycheck. Any actress who tries to deny the title of "Scream Queen" needs a reality check, and fast.

BLC: What do you think of other actresses in this genre?

Bambi-Lyn: Well, at the risk of being labeled a bitch (but then again, when haven't I been called that?), other actresses piss me off. I refuse to share top billing with anyone, because I know that my name alone will guarantee sales. My fans are loyal, and they know what they want: me, naked, covered in blood, either killing people or being killed. And that's what I give them. There's no room for anyone else in the equation. Let them develop their own fan clubs on their own time. They're not horning in on mine!

BLC: What about your fan club? What are they like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, they're just the most darling, adorable bunch of geeks you'd ever want to meet. Although I haven't actually *met* them. They have their weekly meetings and watch my movies, and they have a little website with all of my merchandise and DVDs (I think it's down right now, though). They're so loyal to me, it's just incredible. I've even heard that they'll go to conventions to which I wasn't invited and heckle the actresses who are there! Isn't that great? They really love me, and as long as they keep sending in their $100 per quarter dues to stay in the club, I really love them, too.

BLC: What was your first horror movie like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, God...that's such ancient history! My horror cherry was popped with the classic, "Witch Hunt 5: Burned at the Stake." I played a stripper/witch named Simone and the experience was so freeing to me as an actress. I really felt like I was able to express the dual sides of my personality in that role: the dark and light Bambi-Lyn, if you will. My stripper routines were choreographed by Lady Vyxyn, one of the tops in the field, and I won a Golden G-String award for my dancing skills. I first attained the title of Scream Queen with this film, and from there I knew my path was set. Horror was my future, and I was ready to do whatever I had to do to be a star.

Like what you've read so far? Stay tuned...Part 2 of the interview coming soon!!!

Update on "Bigfear"

I've just gotten back from a crazy filming schedule for "Bigfear," and I think we've got an award-winning movie on our hands. The love scenes between me and the monster were just amazing, and except for getting fake fur in my mouth in every shot, it wasn't too bad kissing a rubber mask. It beat what I had to do to get this movie funded!

So what did I miss while I was away in the wilds of Tarzana filming my masterpiece? I bet the Bigfoot coverage is going to guarantee us a distribution deal! Let me go to another window and check the latest news...

.....

...well, crap! Crap crap crap CRAP! It's a fake? The whole thing was a hoax? What about my movie? The whole selling point was the discovery of a new species! And what about the Bigfoot tattoo I got on my ass?

Damn it.

Well, maybe we can go for some re-shoots. I can find out that the Bigfoot who has fallen in love with me is really some yahoo in a cheap costume who decides to kill everybody who gets in his way. I think I can get some girls out there in cheerleader costumes, and I can make a couple of gallons of Karo blood.

Thank God I'm brilliant enough to think on my feet like this.