A (Crappy) Day in the Life...

So my day today has sucked donkey balls. I swear...I should have just stayed in bed.

First, I have to get up at 7 to make it to my full body waxing at Madame Kink's Salon--and you know how much I hate to get up that early. And the dirty looks those bimbos at the salon gave me when I had my usual pre-wax drink of Jack and Coke...hello? Excuse me, but I need something to make it not hurt quite so friggin much when hair is ripped out of my skin!

God!

This stupid "The Dead and the Naked" movie is really chapping my ass. After the damn waxing was over, I had to go immediately to my yoga lesson so I could get myself into the pretzel pose for my big climactic scene. Do any of you guys have any idea what it's like trying to get into a leotard right after a wax? Here's a way to share my pain: go pluck out about a dozen hairs from your balls and put on a pair of tight jeans. Yeah, I thought you wouldn't do it.

Anyway, my yoga instructor is a bitch named Debi who thinks that just because she was born a circus freak with no bones, everybody should be able to bend over far enough to kiss their own ass. Listen, if I could bend over that far, I wouldn't be dating the assholes I usually end up with (except for you, honey, if you're reading this; you're not just any old asshole to me!).

I had to meet my agent, Tony, for lunch afterwards, and he says he's got a great new gig for me that won't involve having to be naked. Since this is the first time he's ever said that to me, I was interested. He says some website wants me to write movie reviews of grade-z horror and "erotic thriller" movies. He said it would be good for my career to branch out a little bit and show the world I'm not just another pretty face.

First of all, I'm not just another stunningly GORGEOUS face. Let's get that right.

Second of all, my fans have come to know me for my physicality, not my brains. Even though I've been told I could join that genius group (what's the name of it? MENSES or something?) if I wanted to, I don't like to advertise that I have great brains AND great beauty. I get enough hate mail from women as it is. Can you imagine if they thought I was the total package?

Anyway, Tony said they'd pay me for writing the reviews, so I said sure, I'd do it, but I wanted to post them here first, for my fans to read. And I fully expect you guys to come to my blog and read them!

I had a spray tanning appointment after lunch, and the damn idiot running the thing didn't get me dark enough--I wanted "chestnut" but he stopped at "peach"--so now I have to go back again tomorrow to get another coat. Plus I have to study my lines for "The Dead and the Naked" and find my character's heart and motivation.

I'm going to start posting my reviews this weekend, so you guys can get a sneak peek. At least one good thing came out of this friggin day.

I'm gonna go have another Jack and Coke.