Actresses Are Evil!

Well, I went to my audition this morning...what a waste of my time! I dress up in my best audition clothes (Daisy Dukes, white lace cami, and six inch heels...you know, casual) and I have to say that I looked GOOD. I mean, really good. Make men drive off the road good. But I don't have to convince you guys of that; you know all that already!

Anyway, I go to the audition, and it's in some skanky building in a part of town that doesn't even have valet parking(!) I had to park my OWN CAR! I simply could not believe that I was being forced to endure such indignities, but I sucked it up (something I'm quite good at) and decided to be a professional.

I walk into the place and there are fifteen other actresses in the room! Can you believe that? I thought I was the only one called to auditon!!! And all of them looked exactly alike: long blonde hair, Angelina lips, man-made boobs, and skin-tight ho-wear. I mean, really...either you can pull off wearing a red leather mini-skirt or you can't, and these women couldn't. They looked like ten pounds of slut packed into a five pound bag. Ugh.

But I get my sides and I read over the part--it's for the lead role of Marci, the town virgin who gets possessed by a sex demon who makes her sleep with guys and kill them; I love these strong women roles! I know exactly how to portray the character (shy but horny) and while I'm practicing my lines to myself, you would NOT believe who dared to interrupt me!

That's right...Steffy Von Kronk.

Like's it's not enough for her to win the SKINNY award I was nominated for. She flounces into the room and announces to everyone that they might as well go home because she's already got the part. I'm like, "What?" and she's all like, "You heard me" and I'm like, "I don't think so, bitch," and she's like, "What are you going to do about it, slut?"

I jumped her, and we went at it like a couple of cats. She tore my cami half-off so there I was, boobs swinging in the breeze, yanking at her cheap weave (like anybody believes she's a REAL redhead...the carpet doesn't match the drapes, so she keeps it "hardwood" so nobody will know). I managed to get a handful of her tacky satin tube top and so I pulled--because if I was going to be topless, so was she!--and she starts screaming to leave her alone because I was going to make her new implants start leaking. What a baby!

The producer and director came out right about then and watched us wrestle for a couple of minutes before pulling us apart (and Eddie, I KNOW you grabbed my boobs on purpose, you perv!). Steffy looked like crap by the time I got finished with her--she looked like a raccoon with her mascara all smeared around her eyes, and I'd smacked the lipstick right off her. I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the mirrors and you know what...? I STILL looked good. Fighting makes me get all glowy or something. I might go out for the new Wonder Woman movie, because I'm damn fine when I'm pissed.

Anyway, to make a stupid story short, the producer and director took one look at Steffy's double EE cups swaying in the wind and decided to hire her on the spot. I figured once those babies got unleashed that I'd have no chance; it'd be like comparing apples to oranges...or, in our case, cantalopes to watermelons. They wanted to write a new character into the movie to have a fight with Steffy (they said we inspired them) but I told them I could never work with someone so unprofessional. I mean, Steffy doesn't even match her pedicure color with her manicure! How can I work in that environment?

It's not over with Steffy, though. I'll run into her again, and when I do, I'll tie those droopy boobs in a knot around her throat!

(Hey...that gives me an idea for a movie!)