Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Zombie Campout"

ZOMBIE CAMPOUT (2002)

I read that the director of this movie put himself into debt to make it. All I can say about it is that he shouldn't have bothered. I've made more professional looking videos with my boyfriends.

I have to stop here for a minute and say that I know what it's like to make a cheap-o movie. I've worked for directors who claimed that their epic film of cheerleaders from beyond the grave is the movie they've dreamed of making since the age of ten. I've been in movies where I've had to not only supply my own wardrobe and lunch, but also the fake blood for my death scene. I know cheap movie making. Trust me.

But this movie…wow. It's not only bad, it's boring. The basic plot is pretty simple: two couples go on a campout in a park that's conveniently located near a cemetery (I guess the natural fertilizer helps keeps the greenery greener). That night, a meteor shower hits and guess where the radioactive meteors hit? Yep…the cemetery. And you can pretty much guess what's happens next.

All I ask from a zombie movie is that the zombies be decent looking, and at very least be slightly scary. The yahoos in this movie looked like a bunch of Goth kids who got over-enthusiastic with the eye-liner. Raccoons of the living dead. They stumblefuck around like idiots and make goofy "grrr arghh" sounds and eat the occasional camper (or dog).

At this point, I don't know whether I want to talk about the writing or the special effects. (Okay—flipped a coin: writing first).

The script is just ...well, just stupid. Stupid, dumb, and idiotic. The trifecta of bad. When the characters in the movie started pulling out their own copies of the script and warning the others about what was going to happen, I nearly tossed my popcorn. No…literally. I nearly threw my bowl of popcorn at the television. It claims to be a horror comedy, but the only thing remotely funny about it is the fact that this joker thought he could jumpstart a directing career with it. idiotic.

Now, the special effects. Zombie movies live and die on their effects. The zombies have to look disgusting. The victims have to be torn apart and eaten convincingly. The blood has to look real. I've been drenched with blood in almost every movie I've made, and some has been realistic and some has looked like colored water, so I know what good fake blood should look like. This stuff in this movie looked like somebody just opened a jar of red tempura paint (like we used in kindergarten) and threw it all over the place.

The zombies…well, I've already talked about them. I wonder if this guy just went around his neighborhood saying, "Hey, I'm making a zombie movie because I'm the next George Romero and I'm great! Why don't you come down and be a zombie? No pay, but you get to eat lunch on the set! It's catered!" (I know that's how they operate, because that's how I ended up in "Stalk the Beast 8"—the director promised a hot meal and said I could keep my character's shoes.)

But that's not even the weirdest thing about this movie. In my experience, most Grade Zed movies have a girl topless before the opening credits. Girls pop their tops at every opportunity, using any excuse: "Oh, no…I broke a nail! I'd better use my top and bra as a tourniquet!" If the actress is young and pretty and her nips still point skyward, then she's going to be flashing the groceries.

The guy who directed ZOMBIE CAMPOUT, Joshua Smith, must not have gotten the memo. Or laid. I've seen Disney movies with more flesh.

The two leading ladies go to such pains to keep from showing any flesh that they change into bikini tops under their blouses like they're in gym class. While driving to the camping grounds, a nude woman passes their SUV, but her hair covers her goodies. When the foursome is out on a boat, they look off camera and see a bunch of girls swimming topless…but they don't pan over to it. And a quartet of extra bimbos—one would imagine they would be there for their funbags—keep their tops on the whole time.

I can't imagine how frustrating this movie would be for a guy. It's a pricktease of a horror movie, promising the boobage, but never delivering.

If the girls in this movie had any aspirations of using it as a stepping stone to become a Scream Queen, it ain't gonnna happen. No tits, no crown. I got to where I am today by showing off the girls, and there's no other way to become as vastly successful and beloved as me unless you're prepared to flash the nip and give the audience what they want.

In this case, the audience got screwed royally. The zombies sucked. The acting sucked. The writing sucked. The special effects sucked. And on top of it all, the one thing that could have made the movie worthwhile for the targeted demographic—tits, and lots of 'em—never see the light of day on the screen.

Do yourselves a favor and avoid this movie at all costs. See if you can find my zombie classics, "Death March of the She-Bitch" or "Brain-Eating Bimbos" instead.