Heartbroken

Before anyone even asks...yes, the rumors are true. I've broken up with Dane Jackson. You might know him from his starring roles in "Bloody Fists" and "Two Guns of Fury," to name just a couple of his films. We co-starred in "Death Bitch IX" and I honestly thought we would be together forever.

But no...Steffy Von Kronk took care of that.

I knew that it would be dangerous for Dane to work with her on "Blood Bitch," but I thought I could trust Dane to be faithful to me. HA! One look at Steffy's chest and he was lost to me. I heard the rumors of their affair, and then one day I decided to visit them on the set and surprise Dane for his birthday. Guess who got surprised instead.

I've never seen anyone with a guiltier look on his face. And Steffy didn't say a word, although that was probably because she was taught to never talk with her mouth full.

That was just a couple of weeks ago, and the pain is still pretty fresh. I heard that Dane has been asking around about me, trying to get me back, but I refuse to even talk to him. We were a great team, but he ruined it by taking up with that sleazy, skanky, redheaded floozy. Double EE boobs do not make for a good girlfriend, Dane!

Anyway, now that we've broken up, I'm looking for Mr. Right again. I just want a guy who's handsome, ridiculously rich, smart, wealthy, kind, and well-to-do. That's all. What does a girl like me have to do to find true love?

But now that Dane and I are over, I should tell any female fans of his who are thinking of being one of his groupies that they really shouldn't bother. In fact, if you're considering contacting him and offering to "comfort" him over losing me, take a second and raise your right hand. Okay, now stick up your pinky finger. See how short and narrow that is?

Do I have to say anything else, or do you get my drift? In other words, don't bother. That impressive bulge in his Speedo in "Bloody Fists" was all movie magic, sweeties.

Well what do you know? I feel so much better now! :)