Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Freakshow"

Freakshow (2007)


So last night I turned down a date so I could stay home and watch this movie and review it. Yes, it was Saturday night, and yes, my date was a very famous and wealthy actor who is dying to get to know Bambi-Lyn inside out (if you know what I mean), but I decided that my job as a movie reviewer was more important than silly little things like an expensive dinner and dancing at an exclusive club and possibly landing a role in a big-budget action film.

Holy crap, was I wrong.

"Freakshow" is a messy, disgusting attempt to remake the classic film "Freaks" (at least I'm told it's a classic; I've never seen it. Freakiness makes me uncomfortable). It's filled with one of the least attractive casts I've ever seen in a movie, and has a couple of sex scenes that will make you re-evaluate your own libido (as in, whether you still have one or not). All I can say about one of the scenes is that we see more pulsing, throbbing, bouncing back boils than boobage. And in another scene, we get waaaay too much old man butt as a bimbo pleasures him in a ticket booth.

But I'm getting off the subject (and a little queasy).

I've been in some bad movies before—I'll admit it. But this movie is bad because it thinks it's so good. It takes itself way too seriously. And like I said earlier, the cast leaves a lot to be desired in the hotness department. And the girl who plays Lucy, the supposedly beautiful femme fatale who tries to sucker Lon (Mr. Back Boil) into giving her all his money? Let's just say that she's not half as pretty as she thinks she is. Sure, she flashes the boob and tries to act all sex-kitteny, but come on…as someone who wrote the book on being a sex goddess, all I can say is that she doesn't quite have what it takes. Although I will give her points for tongue kissing a guy who looks like his mouth would smell like moldy turds and cigarettes.

That reminds me of when I was shooting "Soul Scream of the She-Bitch" and I had to do a love scene with an actor who didn't like to bathe (he thought it took away his artistic credibility). So here I was, naked in bed with a guy who smelled like skunk shit, chomping away on Altoids in the hope that it would fry my taste buds and I wouldn't be able to smell him as sharply. (That doesn't work, by the way). He had his little athletic cup on, but when he lifted the covers, I caught a whiff of B.O. that went well beyond simply not bathing. He smelled downright diseased.

So the director yells action and I try to lose myself in the scene. I go through the motions—I sit up, let the sheet fall away from my boobs, smile seductively and lean in for a long, tonguey kiss—while he just lays there and grins. And when he opens his mouth—just when my lips are touching his—he lets out the deepest, foulest burp that smelled (and tasted) more like a fart than a belch. I swear to God.

I gagged and left the set, and I refused to do the scene until the director made the guy take a bath (or at least brush his damn teeth). He wouldn't compromise his artistic integrity, so we ended up replacing the sex scene with a scene of me taking a long, hot shower while he watched. Which worked for me, because at least I didn't have to touch him.

Anyway…the actors in this movie reminded me of that loser. Everybody has at least an inch of crud caked onto their bodies—because apparently nobody in a circus ever bathes, except for the horny jungle girl, who likes to stand in a washtub and drip water over her naked, teeny boobs. I assume the director was going for realism, but come on…I don't want to spend the whole length of the movie wondering just how eye-watering the smell on set was.

The plot, by the way, was the same as the original 'Freaks.'—a carnival owner gets suckered (among other things) by a so-called beautiful woman after his money. A little girl freak is murdered by the scummy 'normal' carnies, and the freaks decide to get a little freaky-deaky vengeance by killing all the men one by one. The beautiful woman, however, gets a special punishment.

Now, this is where I had some problems. There's hardly any gore in the whole movie, until the last ten or so minutes. And then there's enough for even the sickest puppy out there. The bimbo gets her tongue cut out, her mouth sewed together (and that shot goes on and on and on and on), her skin stripped off…you get the idea. Lots of fake blood and latex. Not as much as I had to deal with in "Bloody Guts of the Demon," but enough to make the people who produce Karo syrup and red food coloring happy.

Overall, "Freakshow" is pretty much hit and miss. Mostly miss. Okay…all miss. It tries to be a classy, dark mix of "Freaks" and the TV show "Carnivale" but turns out more like a hygiene film emphasizing the importance of daily bathing. I won't be able to get the image of those back boils out of my head for a long time.

Do yourselves a favor and try to find my classics "Bloody Guts of the Demon" or "Three Rings of Damnation" (set in a circus) instead.

Hugz!