The Life and Loves of a Scream Queen

Bite me, world! I'm still alive!!!!

2009-01-01T13:11:00.000-08:00

Hello again my darlings...

I know, I know...it's been a long time since I've written here, but things have been a little strange in Bambi-Land. I've received so many concerned emails from my fans that I felt I simply had to let you all know exactly why I've been gone so long.

The truth is...I was abducted by a stalker.

Yes, yes...I know you're all absolutely horrified by the thought of me being held captive by a pimply-faced creep, but that's exactly what happened. Any rumors you might have heard about me recuperating from extensive plastic surgery are silly lies perpetrated by Steffy Von Kronk. It's scientific fact that stressful situations make your boobs bigger and erase eyebags. Google it and see.

But anyway...it was such an ordeal you would not believe it. Of course, I'll be starring in a movie based on my experiences, but still...the horror of it all!

It began late in the evening on October 2. I was just finishing up some post-production looping on my newest movie, "Queen Suckula's Cooch of Corruption" (apparently my screams of terror sounded too much like my cries of orgasmic pleasure and needed to be fine-tuned). The parking lot was dark and deserted. The sound of dead leaves being tossed along the pavement was like the whisper of voices from beyond the grave. I was alone, being between boyfriends at the time, and I walked quickly to my little convertable, my five-inch heels clicking too loudly against the sidewalks.

At my car, I sensed movement behind me. I turned around...nothing there. Of course, it was just my imagination. Sure, I'd been receiving more creepy fan mail than usual, but honestly...not a day passed that I didn't get at least one "I love you so much I have to kill you and wear your skin" letter. I decided not to let my imagination get the better of me, so I opened my car door, not even noticing that I'd forgotten yet again to lock it.

I drove through the dark, quiet night. Suddenly my engine sputtered: out of gas! But there, in the distance, was my salvation: a Circle K. A heavy rain began to fall, water spilling from the dark night sky like sheets of silvery fury. I pulled into the station and climbed out of the car, my long legs glistening with raindrops as I began to pump hot, wet gas into my desperate, open tank. I noticed the guy inside the station watching me the way all men watch me, with hungry lust in his eyes, and I tossed him a smile and a shake of my ass as I replaced the pump. My fans deserve no less.

I crossed the parking lot to pay, my dress soaking up the warm rain and becoming totally see-through, and the attendent seemed nervous as he swiped my credit card. I'm used to men becoming childish boys in my presence, so I thought nothing of it. He spit out a stream of brown chewing tobacco and said, "Ma'am, I don't think your card's gonna work. You'd best get inside here and take care of it."

What a crude come on! I laughed and pulled out cash. "I think this should more than cover it," I said and smiled brilliantly.

"No, ma'am...I can't take your cash tonight." The guy kept looking over my shoulder at my car. "You'd better just come on in."

"Nonsense!" I sputtered. "Good day to you, sir!"

With that, I turned on my five-inch heel and traipsed back to my car. I heard the attendent calling "Ma'am! Ma'am!" over and over, but I ignored it. Silly fool. Sometimes men were so overcome by being in the presence of a star such as myself that they lose all common sense.

I climbed back into my car and set about my way again, singing along with the radio as I always do. My voice was so much better than the singers, however, that I felt a stab of pity for them and turned the music off, listening instead to the swipe of the windshield wipers. I noticed there was an unfamiliar smell in the car--like cat piss on a hot radiator--but dismissed it as just me being silly again. It wasn't long before my thoughts moved on to other things, like the first day of shooting for "SexBeast 3: Doggy Style." I hated playing a werewolf, and I dreaded the extensive make up I'd have to wear.

Before too long, I was home. My fabulous cottage overlooks the freeway (what I consider the throbbing life pulse of the city) and I was so tired that I barely managed to drag myself through the front door and tear off my clothes. Nude, I wandered through the house, enjoying the reflection of myself in the windows too much to close the curtains. One little drinky-poo and then I'd be off to bed like a good girl.

I'd just began to mix my cosmo when the phone rang. Odd for someone to call me so late at night, but when you're a celebrity such as myself, the world can make demands at odd hours. I picked up my cell and heard heavy breathing. Must be a wrong number I thought as I listened to the sound. I began breathing hard myself, thinking it would be funny to give the pervo a thrill, when suddenly a man's voice said, "Go check the email."

"Excuse me?" I said in mid-orgasmic gasp.

"Go...check...the...email..."

Click! He hung up.

Rolling my eyes, I sighed and decided it wouldn't be a bad idea to check my email before bed. You never know who might add you as a friend on Myspace, after all. I slipped into my silk robe and sat down at the computer. I checked my email on hotmail (screamqueenbambi-lyn @ hotmail. com) and was horrified by what I found:

Spam emails. Hundreds of them!

I deleted and deleted and deleted, but there were too many. Penis enlarging techniques. Viagra. Porn ads. I cried out as my hand cramped at my house and my finger locked up while right-clicking. Stop it! Why wouldn't it just stop?

Finally, after what felt like minutes, I'd gotten down to my only actual email. It was from someone I didn't know: wearbambilynsfacelikeamaskandmakelovetohercorpse @ yahoo.com. Of course, I opened it, thinking it was a love letter from a fan. This is what the email said:

To my dear soon-to-be wife beyond the grave,

Bambi-Lyn, you will know the true meaning of my love for you when I come tonight. We will make sweet, sweaty love in the moonlight and you will be forever mine. And when I plunge my dagger of Shoggoth into your heart and sip the sweet nectar of your blood and bile, you will release me from my earthly bondage and allow me to become the true god among men that I am. I will skin your flesh from your body with love and care, and cherish the feel of your skin as I wear it over my naked body and caper about in the moonlight, singing songs of praise to Quith-Kul, arch demon of Hell. You are the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth or any other, and such beauty cannot be allowed in this festering hellpit of filth and degradation. By releasing your soul and devouring it, you will become part of me for all eternity, and together we will rule the fields and plains of planet Nebbulite and I will own your soul forever.

Love,

Bob

Hmm. Just another typical fan letter. I switched off the computer and finished my drink, looking forward to a good night's sleep before filming in the morning.

Little did I know what awaited me in my bedroom...

(See that? That's called a cliff-hanger ending. I want my fans to be on the edge of their seat as they wonder just what happened to their beloved Bambi-Lyn. Will I be killed? Will I survive the night? Well...yeah, obviously I did, but just go with me here and enjoy the suspense.)

TO BE CONTINUED...!!!!!

Guest Shot in "Monty"

2008-09-22T08:45:00.001-07:00

Pretty good likeness. What a surprise to see myself in Jim Meddick's comic, "Monty." Just goes to prove that the power of Bambi-Lyn transcends all media. I even conquer the comics world.

Politics, Milk Tits, and What I Believe

2008-09-11T19:32:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me, "Bambi-Lyn, just what do YOU think about Sarah Palin?" (they ask me this because they know that, among other things, I am a political genius).

While I generally don't discuss politics with people, I'll make an exception for this. I have to say that I think it's fantabulous for a woman to run for vice president. Why, Sarah Palin has all the prerequisites for a legendary VP: she's pretty, she has a nice figure, and she really pulls off that sexy librarian look (not as well as I do, but then again...no one does).

Sure, she's only been governor of Alaska for a year or so. And sure, people say she "misused" her power to get people fired who didn't agree with her, but who DOESN'T do stuff like that? I mean, come on...she's up in Alaska. Do you know how boring it probably gets up there? If not for her firing people without due cause or good reason, those people wouldn't have ANYTHING to talk about. She actually performed a public service.

And all this book banning nonsense...she's pretty! She doesn't HAVE to read! Reading is for fat girls who have too many cats. I'm sure that if she thinks a book isn't appropriate for a library, then she's absolutely right, because we all know that attractive people really do know what's best for everyone else. And come on...I'm sure the library had all kinds of other books anyway. Who would miss them?

I'm so tired of people calling Palin out on her anti-abortion, anti-sex education issues. Obviously, she knows what's best for other women. She's been pregnant so many times, she's proven to these teen mothers that it's no biggie! Sure, you might get fat for a little while, but you can diet and exercise like crazy after you have your precious bundle of unwanted sunshine to get back down to your man-trapping weight! Plus, you'll have milk tits, the best (natural) tits in the world! Would you rather have some MAN telling you that you couldn't abort a baby even if you'd been raped by your uncle? No, you wouldn't. You want somebody with a vagina to make that decision for you.

I think so many people (especially women) don't like Palin because she's pretty. It's been my experience that average-to-ugly women just don't care for women who are more attractive than they are. Jealousy is such an ugly thing. I have to put up with it from every woman I meet because I'm SO much more beautiful than they will ever be, and let me tell you...I know exactly what Sarah Palin is going through. She's a former beauty queen edging towards her fifties, though, so I'm sure all that jealousy will go away pretty soon once the boobs start sagging and the wrinkles start showing up through the make-up. After all, is anybody jealous of Hillary Clinton?

The bottom line is this: men will vote for Palin because she reminds them of the hot teacher/librarian/friend's mom they always wanted to nail. Women will vote for her because they think she's all feminist and crap because she managed to pop out five kids and keep a full-time job. Face it...nobody's going to be voting Republican because of McCain. He might be a former POW, but he's no Brad Pitt.

Will I vote for McCain/Palin in November? I'm not saying. I don't want to alienate my fans. I usually write myself in for president, but that hasn't panned out yet. I just wanted the world to know that they're wrong to judge Sarah Palin on her poor performance in office, or her intolerant religious beliefs, or her unrealistic views on teen abstinence. Judge her on what McCain judged her by. Judge her on her looks.

After all, pretty people always know what's best. And I should know.

New Movie on the Horizon

2008-09-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! I'm getting ready to write AND produce AND star in another one-of-a-kind Bambi-Lyn Couchet classic. This one's going to be a period piece, and I'm doing extensive research for it. I mean, I even went to the library! Yeah...be impressed.

What I'm most excited about is that this is the first film I've done that will have CGI in it. They tell me it'll look just as good as anything in "Star Wars"--whatever that movie is. I don't really watch movies that don't star me, so I might be a little behind in what's popular. I guess it's science fiction or something, which means there's no way I'll sit through it. I mean, geek city.

Anyway, the new movie's a period piece like I said, and I think it's going to be the most exciting Bambi-Lyn movie ever. My character is a young girl on the fragile precipice of womanhood who must struggle through adversity to become the leader she was born to be. It's really deep. I'm totally stoked to be able to use my award-winning acting ability to bring this character, La-La, to life.

I even designed my fur bikini myself. I used velcro so it's rip-offable. I look killer hot in it. Here's a rough prototype:

The best thing about the bikini? I don't have to get a friggin' Brazillian wax! Everything will just blend together all nice and easy. The worst thing? I've got a feeling PETA is going to be all over my ass for using real fur. I can't help it if the baby seal/polar bear mix is the softest fur in the world!

Yeah, "Tyrannosaurus Sex" is going to be an instant classic. I bet even Blockbuster will agree to carry it! Unless they're still all tight-assed about nudity, sexual content, and dinosaurs giving nubile young cavewomen erotic massages. Prudes.

Is There Anything I CAN'T Do?

2008-09-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

The Universe has demanded that Bambi-Lyn share her immeasurable wisdom to the world, and so it is my pleasure to announce that I now write a column for the amazing site, Pretty-Scary.net.

It's an advice column, and I have to say that it has been a wonderful experience sharing my vast opinions with the world so far. It's a great opportunity for me to break through the glass ceiling of scream queens and prove that I'm much more than a stunningly beautiful face and soul-rendingly perfect figure. Some people say that I'm a goddess. I have no problem with that.

So write me with your questions! Male or female, I'll give advice, answer questions, share my knowledge with anybody who writes in (and who has an interesting question that is worthy of my time). Send your questions to me at screamqueenbambi-lyn @ hotmail.com (be sure to scrunch it all up together when you type it in).

Come on...you know you wanna.

An Exclusive Interview With Moi--Part 1

2008-08-23T13:28:00.000-07:00

One of the pitfalls of being a glamorous and successful actress is that sometimes when I'm interviewed, the so-called "journalist" is so consumed with her own envy of my beauty that she proceeds to print a total hack job on me. I'm sure you guys saw last month's article in that rag, "Bloody Bimbos," that stated that I had lipo and used to weigh 300 pounds before I broke into the business. Total, total lies! That little bitch got her "inside" information from Steffy Von Kronk, and we all know how much that twatwaffle likes me.

So in order to avoid the lies and disinformation that's been spread out there, I'm going to publish, for the first time ever, the most exclusive Bambi-Lyn interview ever. I've interviewed myself, so you know it's all true. Cross my heart. I'm an actress...you know *I'd* never lie about anything!

****

Adventures in Scream-Queening: The World's Most Desirable Scream Queen Speaks Out About Life, Love, and Everything In Between by Bambi-Lyn Couchet

Her life is a fairy tale complete with happy endings. Bambi-Lyn Couchet was born in a small town just outside of Columbus, Ohio. Her first years were marked with sadness, when her mother decided she could not bear to compete for attention with such a beautiful child and left her family to become an exotic dancer in Ontario, Canada. As a result of this early pain, Bambi-Lyn became her father's angel, and he spared no expense to make sure his daughter received all the best acting, singing, and dancing lessons money could buy. Of course, Bambi-Lyn excelled in all of the arts, but acting held a special magic for her. Hollywood would be her destiny, and she left home at the tender age of 16 to become a star.

Her extreme beauty and unbelievable talent took the town by storm. Agents approached her from the moment she stepped off the bus, but she knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life and exactly who she wanted to represent her. She had heard of the great Bernardo Pucci through his (now off-line) website and went directly to his office. She knocked his socks off with her audition, and he immediately signed her up for her first film: the classic teen comedy "High School Horndogs."

"Bambi, man...that girl was hot as hell when she came to my office," Bernardo says now. "She was wearing this teeny little mini-skirt and a tube top that was about to pop off her tits--can I say 'tits'? Okay...her boobies. Anyway, she knew exactly what she wanted and she knew what she had to do to get it. I told her right then, 'Babe, with your looks you can have any damn thing you want in this town.' And I was right. She got the lead shower girl role in "HSH" the next day, and her career was on its way."

Here, then, is the world exclusive interview with the indomitable Bambi-Lyn Couchet, given to the only person in the world who could do her justice: Bambi-Lyn Couchet herself.

Bambi-Lyn: I usually don't do interviews, so this is really rare for me.

BLC: I know the fans will appreciate getting this peek inside the life of the world's most fabulous Scream Queen. Speaking of which, how do you feel about the title of "Scream Queen." Is it a blessing or a curse?

Bambi-Lyn: Obviously, it's a blessing for me. I'm not one of these actresses who uses horror movies as a stepping stone to "real" films. Not me! I love appearing in these movies. I love acting. I love getting a semi-regular paycheck. Any actress who tries to deny the title of "Scream Queen" needs a reality check, and fast.

BLC: What do you think of other actresses in this genre?

Bambi-Lyn: Well, at the risk of being labeled a bitch (but then again, when haven't I been called that?), other actresses piss me off. I refuse to share top billing with anyone, because I know that my name alone will guarantee sales. My fans are loyal, and they know what they want: me, naked, covered in blood, either killing people or being killed. And that's what I give them. There's no room for anyone else in the equation. Let them develop their own fan clubs on their own time. They're not horning in on mine!

BLC: What about your fan club? What are they like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, they're just the most darling, adorable bunch of geeks you'd ever want to meet. Although I haven't actually *met* them. They have their weekly meetings and watch my movies, and they have a little website with all of my merchandise and DVDs (I think it's down right now, though). They're so loyal to me, it's just incredible. I've even heard that they'll go to conventions to which I wasn't invited and heckle the actresses who are there! Isn't that great? They really love me, and as long as they keep sending in their $100 per quarter dues to stay in the club, I really love them, too.

BLC: What was your first horror movie like?

Bambi-Lyn: Oh, God...that's such ancient history! My horror cherry was popped with the classic, "Witch Hunt 5: Burned at the Stake." I played a stripper/witch named Simone and the experience was so freeing to me as an actress. I really felt like I was able to express the dual sides of my personality in that role: the dark and light Bambi-Lyn, if you will. My stripper routines were choreographed by Lady Vyxyn, one of the tops in the field, and I won a Golden G-String award for my dancing skills. I first attained the title of Scream Queen with this film, and from there I knew my path was set. Horror was my future, and I was ready to do whatever I had to do to be a star.

Like what you've read so far? Stay tuned...Part 2 of the interview coming soon!!!

Update on "Bigfear"

2008-08-21T19:32:00.000-07:00

I've just gotten back from a crazy filming schedule for "Bigfear," and I think we've got an award-winning movie on our hands. The love scenes between me and the monster were just amazing, and except for getting fake fur in my mouth in every shot, it wasn't too bad kissing a rubber mask. It beat what I had to do to get this movie funded!

So what did I miss while I was away in the wilds of Tarzana filming my masterpiece? I bet the Bigfoot coverage is going to guarantee us a distribution deal! Let me go to another window and check the latest news...

.....

...well, crap! Crap crap crap CRAP! It's a fake? The whole thing was a hoax? What about my movie? The whole selling point was the discovery of a new species! And what about the Bigfoot tattoo I got on my ass?

Damn it.

Well, maybe we can go for some re-shoots. I can find out that the Bigfoot who has fallen in love with me is really some yahoo in a cheap costume who decides to kill everybody who gets in his way. I think I can get some girls out there in cheerleader costumes, and I can make a couple of gallons of Karo blood.

Thank God I'm brilliant enough to think on my feet like this.

My Newest Triumph: "BIGFEAR"

2008-08-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

(Note: I also posted this blog on my Myspace page and on Pretty-Scary.ne t--I want the world to know about my screenwriting debut--for reals, this time; those other scripts didn't get made!)

So since the announcement the other day of the Bigfoot body a couple of hunters shot in Georgia, I've already put into production the newest Bambi-Lyn Couchet Masterpiece of Modern Terror (tm): "BIGFEAR"!

I wrote the script myself, because I'm tired of being the sex object in some nerd's fantasy. So of course, my film has style and class and romance. It's a loose re-imagining of "King Kong," and I must say, it's going to be a classic. Especially since I'm writing AND starring in it. I'll probably help with the directing too, because the director's some young guy who doesn't know his ass from his elbow and will be easy to manipulate--er, make suggestions to.

In my movie, the giant gorilla is going to be a giant Bigfoot, and I'm going to be the classy Diane Fossey type Bigfootologist who is out int he woods with her team to study him. After rampaging through the camp, he's going to kidnap me and fall in love with me, blah blah blah. I take him back to L.A. to reveal him to the world, and he gets all freaked out by the cameras and media and Paris Hilton lookalikes and goes nutzoid and kills a bunch of people. Then he climbs to the top of a tree (we can't afford too many locations) and gets shot and dies. "T'was great, outstanding, unbelievable, ungodly beauty that killed the beast." You know the story.

I'm super excited to be updating such a classic film. There's one scene where Bigfoot fights a chupacabra over me that will have you on the edge of your couch (because this is going to be direct to DVD). And then there's the love story...we're going to have to do some fancy editing to get around Bigfoot's OTHER big appendage, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).

It's going to be shot over the next couple of weekends down at the director's mom's house in Tarzana. I've already got my tear-away leather bikini ready. I just feel bad for the poor bastard who has to wear the Bigfoot suit. At least I get to be naked for most of the movie!

PS: If the Bigfoot suit looks familiar, it's probably because the cheap-ass producers rented it from the guys who made the porn classic, "In Search of Bigd**k" (or as it's known overseas, "Sascrotch: The Breast Beast." You don't even want to know what that stuff is in the fake fur. Trust me. You don't want to know.

WereSEXkittens and Skin Parasites

2008-07-26T12:37:00.001-07:00

So a good friend and I were talking about a movie he's doing the FX for: "WereSEXkittens of the Apocalypse." I had auditioned for the lead role of Bianca, but shockingly, I didn't get the role because I had an allergy to the cheap fake fur the producers demanded the FX guys use. I think it was dog fur from China. I was also allergic to the producer, who demanded that I "audition" privately with him and perform the Werekitten (that's what I would have turned into...a wereSEXkitten) Dance of a Thousand Lusts for him in his office.

That's what sucks, because I really worked on that dance. I mean, I was GOOD. I started off acting like I'm cleaning myself like a cat (I took yoga, so I'm super flexible) and then I start stripping off all kinds of veils until I'm in a g-string and pasties. Plus, I'd be covered in fur (because I'm a wereSEXkitten).

What a waste of time that was. Producers like that should have their balls cut off, blended with rat poison in a smoothie, and forced to drink it while being shot.

Anyway...I just got some good news! Steffy Von Kronk has dropped out of the lead role in "Return of the Skin Parasites," so it looks like I'm going to star in it! I'll be playing Dr. Diana Duggan, the beautiful dermatologist who must find a way to stop the skin parasites from planet Noxima from taking over the world. There's one scene where I get a brilliant flash of inspiration while having sex with Vince Vargo, my leading man, and I jump up naked and run to my microscope and figure out how to cure the parasites--it'll get me nominated for a SKINNIE award for sure!

I'll have more info on it later. Too bad about ""WereSexKittens," but I know my friend Erich will do a great job on the FX. Once he fires that dumbass that the director insisted work with him (the guy thinks the way you make liquid latex is to put rubber gloves in a blender!).

Ta and toodles for now!

Beauty really IS only skindeep...

2008-07-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

But lucky for me, I have really deep skin.

Sometimes it's so hard to be beautiful.

Seriously. Every day I wake up and fling the covers from my naked, perfectly bronzed, immaculately waxed, centerfold-ready body and wonder why no one ever sees the REAL me. The me underneath the gorgeously tousled, honey blond hair. The me behind the huge, cornflower blue eyes that never need mascara. The me behind the pouty, naturally full lips that are said to make Angelina's look like trout-pout.

It's just SO HARD!

For example, my last job was on a movie that filmed over in the country of Europe. It was a vampire movie, and I--of course--played the evil vampire Queen. My costume was basically a couple of pieces of dental floss, and I spent most of the movie covered in blood. My usual gig.

So during my big dramatic scene with some twinkie of an actress named Lezlie (yes, spelled with a 'z' because she thinks it's cute), I told the director that I thought the conflict between our characters would be better illustrated if our fight scene ENDED in the pit of blood, rather than beginning there. That way, when we rip each other's tops off, it'll be really dramatic and meaningful. And do you know what that jerk said to me?

"You're not paid to talk, Bambi. You're paid to stand there, flash your tits, and look pretty."

What???? Excuse me, but I did more stunt work in "Queen Suckula's Dungeon of Lusty Doom" than in any other movie I've appeared in. Who hung naked from the harness for the sex scene with the hunchback and the mad scientist? ME! Who jumped from the top of a castle into a pool of fake blood while wearing only a g-string? ME!

And he says I'm just standing around? Please! Spare me!

Seriously. And as far as flashing my tits go...that's my trademark, pal. My boobs are my fortune, and I've never forgotten that. If it wasn't for Eeney and Meeney (that's what I call the girls), I'd still be in Ohio, working at Hooters and divorced with a half-dozen kids.

And looking pretty just comes naturally to me, bub. I mean, look at my picture. Geez.

Anyway...I'm back for a while, so I'm going to try to blog a little more frequently. I know my fans have missed me. I've got to tell you what happened during my audition for the "Rock of Love" rip-off called "F**k Bunnies".

Ta for now, sweeties.

Just flew in from Europe...

2008-07-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

...and boy are my arms tired. Hah! See...I'm so jet-lagged that I think that joke is friggin' hilarious.

I'll be back soon with more deets about what my ass has been up to for so long. So you've got this to look forward to:

*****Details about my new movies!

*****My new book!

*****My new tv show appearances!

*****How that Angelina bitch adopted a baby right out from under my nose!

*****My tragic engagement to Dirk Steele!

*****My even more tragic marriage to Dirk Steele!

*****My jail time for beating the hell out of a bimbo I caught giving Dirk a squeezer in my own damn dressing room!

*****How Megan "Ooh, look at me, I'm such a" Fox stole my FHM (or whatever the hell magazine) title as Hottest Chick in the Friggin' Universe!

*****My continuing war with competing bimbo scream queens!

AND SO MUCH MORE!

Maybe. If I feel like it.

Anyway...I'm back, I survived my experiences in that white slavery ring (damn you, Alfredo!), and I'm ready to start blogging again. Your ass had better be checking my site to see if I've updated.

New Movies!!!

2008-07-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy lately that I haven't had time to even get a bikini wax! Back to back shooting schedules have kept me hopping from location to location, and I'm exhausted! I just got in from Iowa last night (and boy are my arms tired! wait...that's not how it goes).

I've been working on all kinds of Bambi-licous goodness for all my fans, though. I did three movies over the last couple of months:

"Death Cry of the She-Bitch from Hell"--I play the character of Shanna, the stripper with a heart of gold who has a psychic link to the title monster. As I begin a romantic relationship with the detective in charge of investigating the string of murders by the She-Bitch, it's up to me to lure the monster into the final showdown, where we fight naked in a vat of virgin blood.

"Night of the Loving Dead"--I play the character of Shawna, the hooker with a heart of gold who has a supernatural link to the leader of the undead. As I begin a romantic relationship with the mortician in charge of reburying the risen zombies, it's up to me to lure the undead into a final showdown, where I fight them naked in a vat of formaldehyde.

"Satan's Sweet Cheerleaders"--I play the character of Shawnie, the cheerleading coach with a heart of gold who has an eerie connection to the demon-possessed head cheerleader. As I begin a romantic relationship with the football coach in charge of fighting the hordes of devil-possessed cheerleaders, it's up to me to lure the satanic cheerleaders into a final showdown, where we fight naked in a muddy football field.

I just got emails from the directors and apparently the movies are in final editing right now and will be out on DVD soon. I'm super duper excited about these movies, because I really feel like I've grown as an actress and each of these movies has given me the chance to really stretch my talents.

I hope to be back to my regular blogs soon. I've got a lot to tell my fans about my upcoming autobiography (!) and some of the scripts I'm working on.

Aftermath of a Gig

2008-07-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

So I did my singing thing last night.

You remember that scene in "Carrie," when she gets the prom queen crown and everything's all happy and shiny and then all of a sudden the bucket of blood is dumped on her head and everything goes to hell pretty damn quick?

Yeah. It was like that. Well...almost. If I wasn't so damn crafty, it would've been that bad.

I went up after some bimbo who thought she was the next Shania Twain--a real cowgirl type who puts the "c*nt" in country. She was decked out in an American flag bikini top (that was only big enough to mostly cover her nips) and a g-string under a pair of leather chaps. Oh, yeah...and she had cowboy boots and a shit-kicker cowboy hat, too. Total tool. But that cowgirl had big udders and that's what everybody was paying attention to.

Her name was Trixie--yeah, just Trixie, no last name--and she sang a medley of Loretta Lynn/Tanya Tucker/Tammy Wynette/Dolly Parton songs. God, just the memory of it makes me want to drive knitting needles through my eardrums! Her voice sounded like a cat being tortured, slowly skinned alive and killed, then brought back to life by some reanimation serum and tortured again. But did any of the men in the audience notice? No! Not once she started swinging those funbags around.

I watched from backstage and felt really stupid. There I was, in my sparkly mini-dress, with my boobs pushed up to my chin and my best black fishnets and spike heels on, and this stupid little twit was upstaging me! ME! I knew that nobody would even notice me when I went out there because they'd still be hypnotized by the cowgirl's tits. Men are like that. You show them a pair of boobs and they're useless for at least twenty minutes afterwards. It's like in their mind they're still plastering tits on everything they look at.

So Trixie finishes up and prances off stage and looks at me with a smirk on her face that I was just itching to slap the hell off her. She said, "Follow that!" and went backstage. I was pissed off, and not just because it looked like she was going to win the $500 bucks (did I mention it was a talent contest?).

I had a few seconds to try to figure out what to do. Obviously, I have a tremendous God-given talent in my singing voice, as well as my smokin' bod and my flawless face...but how could I use all that to my advantage to make Trixie look like dogmeat?

By the time they called my name and announced me on stage, I knew what I could do. My music started--an old 70s song called "Feelings"--and I blew the audience's minds. Ever seen anybody do a strip tease and sing at the same time? Neither had they. By the time I got down to my g-string and fishnets, that crowd forgot that Trixie had even HAD a pair of tits. Of course, mine are incomparable to any other woman's, so I'm not surprised.. But the men in the audience enjoyed the show.

So now I'm $500 richer and Trixie learned the hard way that you don't mess with Bambi-Lyn. There's a reason why I'm the ultimate scream queen, you know.

Singing Gig!

2008-07-24T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready to go out to a party somewhere in the Valley, but I wanted to pop in and let you guys know what I'm going to be up to this weekend. You guys know that I'm also a singer, right? Oh, yeah...I love to sing. People say I sound like a cross between Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. I always get tons of compliments on my big, powerful lungs. But anyway, this weekend I've got a singing gig!

Okay, so maybe it's not so much a gig as an open mic night at a club in LA, but it's the first time I'll be singing in front of an audience in a few years. You see, back in 2004, I had a horrible experience while on stage at an outdoor gig. I was right in the middle of that really hard to sing part of "Lovin' You"--you know the song: "Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautiful"--and I was hitting that high note just PERFECTLY...when a giant bug flew into my mouth. Not a fly or a gnat or anything like that. This was a big junebug--or something like it, with a lot of legs and wings. It got stuck in my throat and I ended up swallowing it and that made me really sick so I puked on stage in front of everybody and it was just a bad time for all involved. Especially the bug.

Anyway, that put me off singing for a while, but now I'm thinking about jump-starting a side career as a singer, so I decided to get back into the game. A guy I know says he can put me in some videos. So far, I'll be starring as "Girl in Leopard Print Bikini" in the video for a rap group called Thugz and Hugz for a song called "Bitch, I'll Slap You Down (And Then Make Sweet Luv To U)", and then I'll appear as "Girl in Wet T-Shirt" for a new boy band called Prepubes for their song, "Baby Please (I Just Want U 2 Touch It)". After that, I've got a featured role in the video for that Latin heartthrob Lorenzio for his new romantic ballad, "Do You (Like it Doggie Style)"--I portray his girlfriend and spend the entire video covered in honey, whipped cream, and feathers (I guess that's his thing).

And don't worry, fans! I'm still a horror scream queen!!! I'm just branching out to be a video diva. I'm between movies right now and this is a great way for me to network!

After I get my exposure as a video girl, I'll start recording my own single that I wrote myself. It's inspired by artists like Alanis Morrisette and all those other Lillith Fair types. I wanted to write a song that would empower women and give us all dignity and respect. The song is called "Lick Me" and I think it'll be a number one hit. Here's a sample of the lyrics (imagine a throbbing techno beat behind it, with a touch of violin, harp, and a little bit of harmonica):

Ooh, baby...lick me...
Yeah, do it like that...lick me...
Not there, that tickles...lick me...
You know you want it...lick me...
I deserve equal pay...lick me...
No glass ceiling...lick me...
Lick me, lick me, lick me...lick me...

That's just the first chorus. It goes on for three more, and it's killer hot. I can't wait to shoot the video for it.

Okay...gotta go. My party awaits my presence. Hope you guys have an excellent weekend like I will!

"Zombie Flesh Munchers" in the can!

2008-07-24T15:53:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since you've heard from old Bambi, but my life has just been one exhausting adventure after another. Well...adventure isn't really the word for it. Work is the word for it. "Adventure" just sounds better.

I've spent the last week or so on the set of my newest film, "Zombie Flesh Munchers from Beyond" and it's been wild. I'm really excited about this movie because I not only star in it (as Trixie, the stripper/zombie hunter) but I'm also the producer, set designer, caterer, AND make-up person. Yeah, I'm doing the special effects for it. I figure, I spend most of my career covered in fake blood, I might as well learn how to make it. And I've tweaked the formula so it leaves my skin really soft after I wash it off--I'd tell you how I do it, but it's a trade secret!

Plus I heard some really great news the other day about my old nemesis, Steffy Von Krunk...turns out, she went in to have her implants replaced (she wanted to go from DDD to EE) and the doctor got her directions confused and ended up taking them out completely...so now she's back to her original A-cup!!! I heard that she's so pissed, she's refusing to go to any of the conventions until she gets her boobs redone. HAH! That's karma, bitch!

Speaking of conventions, I just confirmed that I'll be appearing in the Bloodlust-o-rama Con in Ohio next month. I'm not sure where it's at, but I'm sure I'll be one of the biggest stars there. I'll be autographing copies of my newest DVD, "Attack of the 50-ft Leech Woman" (that's IF they're ready by then) and also taking part in a special "blood rasslin'" event: six bikinied scream queens enter, one naked scream queen leaves.

Movie reviews are on hold for a little bit until I get caught up from the movie. It's hard to be on location (we were out in Ontario, CA, somewhere) and keep up with my email. I've been adding all of my wonderful fans as my friends, though, and I hope to send some messages out to some of you, thanking you for your support.

Unlike Steffy Von Krunk now, I need all the support I can get! (Get it? Because she's flatter than three-day old Coke? Support?)

Bambi-Lyn's Mailbag

2008-07-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I thought I'd answer a few fan letters that I've received recently, so all my fans could enjoy it. I get so many emails and letters that I've had to pick only two or three letters this time, but that's all I have time to do anyway. So here we go:

Dear Bambi-Lyn,

I think you are the most beautiful actress in the world. I want to marry you and keep you pregnant ALL THE TIME! We would have such pretty babies...you would never want anything else in the world but to be my wife and the mother of my children. Give me directions to your place and I'll come and rescue you from your life!

Love always,

Tony K.

Dear Tony,

Wow...it's always great to hear from a true fan. Thanks for your offer, but I'm not really into the whole "bearing children" thing right now. I've got to keep my bod in top condition, and I don't think I'd be able to star in the upcoming "Nubile Nymphs from Hell" if I had a kid on the way. Sweet of you to ask, though. Do me a favor and send ME your complete name and address, so I can keep an eye out for you in the future, 'kay?

Hugz,

Bambi-Lyn

***********************
Dear Bambi,

I'm a talent scout looking for fresh new faces (and bodies ) and I have to say that you are perfect for the reality show I'm casting! It's a simple premise: twenty girls compete for the love of a fairly well-known horror movie actor. They all want to be chosen as his "Scream Queen of Love" and will do anything--and we encourage them to do ANYTHING, if you know what I mean--to keep from being voted off. There is, of course, nudity required, and we would ask you to have a complete physical first to make sure you are disease-free. You got the look that could win the Scream King's heart. If you're interested, drop me a email and let me know when to schedule your private audition at my offices.

Bernard S.

Dear Bernard,

While I appreciate any opportunity to perform and share my vast talents with the world, I'm not sure if your reality show would be the best idea for me right now. I would hate to overshadow the other girls who would be competing (because, come on...have you seen me?). I also think I know who your "Scream King" is, and I dated him a few years ago, before he dumped me for Steffy Von Krunk. So you'd better get HIM tested for disease, because I bet his dangly bits are like petri dishes by now.

You also didn't say if this was a paying gig or not. And like my momma always taught me: no money, no honey.

Hugz,

Bambi

************************
Dear "Bambi-Lyn,"

You are the most conceited, arrogant bitch I have ever seen! You're not all that! You think you're so hot, and you look like every other bimbo in so-called horror movies. I don't know why you think you're better than everyone. You can't act and your tits are fake! Retire already and leave everybody alone!

Not a Fan!

Dear "Not",

Wow...I always knew that there were women out there with jealousy issues, but you're just insane with it! I'm printing out your email to frame and hang with all my awards ("Most Gore-gious Girl," "Bloody Babe of the Year," "Wicked Wench 2004," "Best Boobs 2003," etc.) just to get a laugh or two. Take my advice, hon: pull the stick out of your ass and apply it to another orifice; maybe it'll put you in a better mood.

Hugz!!

Bambi-Lyn

***************
Whew...that's enough for now. I'll dig into my "male" bag again later. Right now, I've got to go to the spa for my Brazilian (got a nude scene tomorrow and I want to look perfect).

I bid you toodles!

Bambi-Lyn

Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Nightwalkers"

2008-07-24T15:49:00.000-07:00

NIGHTWALKERS (2003)

I remember my first anthology movie. It was called "Satan's Scrapbook" and the whole premise was that Satan's grandmother was forcing a couple of hot cheerleader-types to look at photos of her grandson as he grew up, and each picture led into a different segment of the movie. It was pretty lame, and even though I looked smokin' hot in my role of the gym teacher who ties up her students naked in the showers to punish them for having an orgy that she wasn't invited to, the movie sucked bad. I think the guy who made it put the whole thing on his MasterCard and then sold dubs at flea markets.

Of course, he's a big-time director now who won't answer my calls. Prick.

Anyway, when it comes to horror movies, anthologies are pretty much regarded as the easiest of the easy to make. All it takes is three or four short stories, some kind of wrap-around segment to connect them, and boom…you got a movie. Most of the time it's a crapshoot. A few of the stories might be okay, one might be really good, and the rest will be terrible crap that even the writer's mother wouldn't love. One exception to this rule is "Creepshow," where every story plus the wraparound was well-written and interesting, but anthology movies as good as that are few and far between.

Which brings us to "Nightwalkers." Unfortunately.

This shot-on-video extravaganza takes place in the perpetually haunted town of Pumpkin Hollow, where demons live in houses with ironically placed "no smoking" stickers on the front door and everybody seems to be scared witless of a primer gray Mustang. Ooooohhh….scary…

In the case of this anthology, a guy is looking to buy the above mentioned Mustang, and along the way, everybody he runs into has some kind of story to tell about the car. Not that the car pulled a "Christine" and came alive and killed people. Not that the car itself was used for multiple murders. More like, the car happened to be in the vicinity of some murders. Parked outside a house, usually.

Yeah, that's some terrifying stuff right there.

The first story deals with three wanna-be frat brothers who take some poor idiot out to a supposedly haunted house to make a Jackass-type video that will ensure their frat acceptance. Of course, their prank goes bad, and the brainiacs decide to bury the guy out in the yard of the house. That's always a good idea, by the way. Nothing bad EVER happens to people who bury the bodies of their murder victims to hide their crimes. And because these boys are Mensa candidates, eight months later they come back to the haunted house to party…and guess who claws his way out of his shallow grave? Yeah, you got it.

The second story is a little more disturbing in some ways, but just as lame in others. A trio of drug dealers run out of gas (in the Mustang O'Doom) and decide to walk until they can find someone to carjack or a house to pillage. They find a farmhouse and decide to do a little bit of a home invasion. Charming. Meanwhile, inside the house, Mom, Pop and Daughter are chatting about the scarecrow hanging out in the cornfield. It protects the family, Pop says.

Yeah…about that…not so much, it turns out.

The trio break into the house and proceed to do all kinds of bad stuff to the family. Meanwhile, the scarecrow just hangs around outside. Way to protect, there, straw-boy. But before the punks can leave, something brings the scarecrow to life and he does what you knew he was going to do the moment you saw him hanging in the field…but it's all a little too late. You know, having a living scarecrow guarding your family must be one of those things that works out better in theory than practice. I think the scarecrow from "Wizard of Oz" would have been a better watchdog, and he didn't even have a brain.

The third story in this trilogy of tepidness is about a love affair gone bad. For all you red-bloodeds out there who were waiting for a glimpse of sex and/or nudity, this is the segment for you. Sort of. A little girl-on-top grinding and a butt shot from some actress whose last name is "O". Really. Just "O." I did a movie once where I just went by Bam-Bam, but that was a long time ago and I was young and needed the money and I don't' want to talk about it now.

Anyway, somebody is accidentally killed, just like in the first segment, and some yahoos with shovels think it's a super-great-keen idea to bury the body in a shallow grave (and we all know how that always works out). There must be something in the dirt in that town. Nothing seems to want to stay buried. I guess they've never heard of the wonder of cremation.

"Nightwalkers" is one of those movies, though, that as bad as it is, you can tell that a lot of people believed in what they were doing when they were making it. Which makes me feel like Queen Bitch of Bitchytown for writing a negative review of it.

Would I recommend this movie? No. But I can appreciate the work that went into it. Plus the director managed to talk Brinke Stevens into doing a three minute cameo, so he's obviously got some connections (and I might want to hit him up for a part in the future).

I suggest that if you want to watch a good anthology, you should check out my classic: "Satan's Scrapbook" or my starring role in "The Vault of Tombs" (I play the witch in the wraparound, and star in all three segments—the director didn't want to hire three other actresses). Cheap bastard. He's working at a Home Depot now.

Hugz!

Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Zombie Campout"

2008-07-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

ZOMBIE CAMPOUT (2002)

I read that the director of this movie put himself into debt to make it. All I can say about it is that he shouldn't have bothered. I've made more professional looking videos with my boyfriends.

I have to stop here for a minute and say that I know what it's like to make a cheap-o movie. I've worked for directors who claimed that their epic film of cheerleaders from beyond the grave is the movie they've dreamed of making since the age of ten. I've been in movies where I've had to not only supply my own wardrobe and lunch, but also the fake blood for my death scene. I know cheap movie making. Trust me.

But this movie…wow. It's not only bad, it's boring. The basic plot is pretty simple: two couples go on a campout in a park that's conveniently located near a cemetery (I guess the natural fertilizer helps keeps the greenery greener). That night, a meteor shower hits and guess where the radioactive meteors hit? Yep…the cemetery. And you can pretty much guess what's happens next.

All I ask from a zombie movie is that the zombies be decent looking, and at very least be slightly scary. The yahoos in this movie looked like a bunch of Goth kids who got over-enthusiastic with the eye-liner. Raccoons of the living dead. They stumblefuck around like idiots and make goofy "grrr arghh" sounds and eat the occasional camper (or dog).

At this point, I don't know whether I want to talk about the writing or the special effects. (Okay—flipped a coin: writing first).

The script is just ...well, just stupid. Stupid, dumb, and idiotic. The trifecta of bad. When the characters in the movie started pulling out their own copies of the script and warning the others about what was going to happen, I nearly tossed my popcorn. No…literally. I nearly threw my bowl of popcorn at the television. It claims to be a horror comedy, but the only thing remotely funny about it is the fact that this joker thought he could jumpstart a directing career with it. idiotic.

Now, the special effects. Zombie movies live and die on their effects. The zombies have to look disgusting. The victims have to be torn apart and eaten convincingly. The blood has to look real. I've been drenched with blood in almost every movie I've made, and some has been realistic and some has looked like colored water, so I know what good fake blood should look like. This stuff in this movie looked like somebody just opened a jar of red tempura paint (like we used in kindergarten) and threw it all over the place.

The zombies…well, I've already talked about them. I wonder if this guy just went around his neighborhood saying, "Hey, I'm making a zombie movie because I'm the next George Romero and I'm great! Why don't you come down and be a zombie? No pay, but you get to eat lunch on the set! It's catered!" (I know that's how they operate, because that's how I ended up in "Stalk the Beast 8"—the director promised a hot meal and said I could keep my character's shoes.)

But that's not even the weirdest thing about this movie. In my experience, most Grade Zed movies have a girl topless before the opening credits. Girls pop their tops at every opportunity, using any excuse: "Oh, no…I broke a nail! I'd better use my top and bra as a tourniquet!" If the actress is young and pretty and her nips still point skyward, then she's going to be flashing the groceries.

The guy who directed ZOMBIE CAMPOUT, Joshua Smith, must not have gotten the memo. Or laid. I've seen Disney movies with more flesh.

The two leading ladies go to such pains to keep from showing any flesh that they change into bikini tops under their blouses like they're in gym class. While driving to the camping grounds, a nude woman passes their SUV, but her hair covers her goodies. When the foursome is out on a boat, they look off camera and see a bunch of girls swimming topless…but they don't pan over to it. And a quartet of extra bimbos—one would imagine they would be there for their funbags—keep their tops on the whole time.

I can't imagine how frustrating this movie would be for a guy. It's a pricktease of a horror movie, promising the boobage, but never delivering.

If the girls in this movie had any aspirations of using it as a stepping stone to become a Scream Queen, it ain't gonnna happen. No tits, no crown. I got to where I am today by showing off the girls, and there's no other way to become as vastly successful and beloved as me unless you're prepared to flash the nip and give the audience what they want.

In this case, the audience got screwed royally. The zombies sucked. The acting sucked. The writing sucked. The special effects sucked. And on top of it all, the one thing that could have made the movie worthwhile for the targeted demographic—tits, and lots of 'em—never see the light of day on the screen.

Do yourselves a favor and avoid this movie at all costs. See if you can find my zombie classics, "Death March of the She-Bitch" or "Brain-Eating Bimbos" instead.

Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Freakshow"

2008-07-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

Freakshow (2007)

So last night I turned down a date so I could stay home and watch this movie and review it. Yes, it was Saturday night, and yes, my date was a very famous and wealthy actor who is dying to get to know Bambi-Lyn inside out (if you know what I mean), but I decided that my job as a movie reviewer was more important than silly little things like an expensive dinner and dancing at an exclusive club and possibly landing a role in a big-budget action film.

Holy crap, was I wrong.

"Freakshow" is a messy, disgusting attempt to remake the classic film "Freaks" (at least I'm told it's a classic; I've never seen it. Freakiness makes me uncomfortable). It's filled with one of the least attractive casts I've ever seen in a movie, and has a couple of sex scenes that will make you re-evaluate your own libido (as in, whether you still have one or not). All I can say about one of the scenes is that we see more pulsing, throbbing, bouncing back boils than boobage. And in another scene, we get waaaay too much old man butt as a bimbo pleasures him in a ticket booth.

But I'm getting off the subject (and a little queasy).

I've been in some bad movies before—I'll admit it. But this movie is bad because it thinks it's so good. It takes itself way too seriously. And like I said earlier, the cast leaves a lot to be desired in the hotness department. And the girl who plays Lucy, the supposedly beautiful femme fatale who tries to sucker Lon (Mr. Back Boil) into giving her all his money? Let's just say that she's not half as pretty as she thinks she is. Sure, she flashes the boob and tries to act all sex-kitteny, but come on…as someone who wrote the book on being a sex goddess, all I can say is that she doesn't quite have what it takes. Although I will give her points for tongue kissing a guy who looks like his mouth would smell like moldy turds and cigarettes.

That reminds me of when I was shooting "Soul Scream of the She-Bitch" and I had to do a love scene with an actor who didn't like to bathe (he thought it took away his artistic credibility). So here I was, naked in bed with a guy who smelled like skunk shit, chomping away on Altoids in the hope that it would fry my taste buds and I wouldn't be able to smell him as sharply. (That doesn't work, by the way). He had his little athletic cup on, but when he lifted the covers, I caught a whiff of B.O. that went well beyond simply not bathing. He smelled downright diseased.

So the director yells action and I try to lose myself in the scene. I go through the motions—I sit up, let the sheet fall away from my boobs, smile seductively and lean in for a long, tonguey kiss—while he just lays there and grins. And when he opens his mouth—just when my lips are touching his—he lets out the deepest, foulest burp that smelled (and tasted) more like a fart than a belch. I swear to God.

I gagged and left the set, and I refused to do the scene until the director made the guy take a bath (or at least brush his damn teeth). He wouldn't compromise his artistic integrity, so we ended up replacing the sex scene with a scene of me taking a long, hot shower while he watched. Which worked for me, because at least I didn't have to touch him.

Anyway…the actors in this movie reminded me of that loser. Everybody has at least an inch of crud caked onto their bodies—because apparently nobody in a circus ever bathes, except for the horny jungle girl, who likes to stand in a washtub and drip water over her naked, teeny boobs. I assume the director was going for realism, but come on…I don't want to spend the whole length of the movie wondering just how eye-watering the smell on set was.

The plot, by the way, was the same as the original 'Freaks.'—a carnival owner gets suckered (among other things) by a so-called beautiful woman after his money. A little girl freak is murdered by the scummy 'normal' carnies, and the freaks decide to get a little freaky-deaky vengeance by killing all the men one by one. The beautiful woman, however, gets a special punishment.

Now, this is where I had some problems. There's hardly any gore in the whole movie, until the last ten or so minutes. And then there's enough for even the sickest puppy out there. The bimbo gets her tongue cut out, her mouth sewed together (and that shot goes on and on and on and on), her skin stripped off…you get the idea. Lots of fake blood and latex. Not as much as I had to deal with in "Bloody Guts of the Demon," but enough to make the people who produce Karo syrup and red food coloring happy.

Overall, "Freakshow" is pretty much hit and miss. Mostly miss. Okay…all miss. It tries to be a classy, dark mix of "Freaks" and the TV show "Carnivale" but turns out more like a hygiene film emphasizing the importance of daily bathing. I won't be able to get the image of those back boils out of my head for a long time.

Do yourselves a favor and try to find my classics "Bloody Guts of the Demon" or "Three Rings of Damnation" (set in a circus) instead.

Hugz!

Bambi's B-Movie Boutique: "Cheerleader Autopsy"

2008-07-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Cheerleader Autopsy (2003)

Okay…first of all: here's a memo to all you directors out there. If you're going to make a movie with cheerleaders in it, make sure they're at least moderately hot.

Second of all: if you're going to make a movie called "Cheerleader Autopsy," then you sure as hell better have a friggin' autopsy in it.

Before I begin, I need to remind my readers that I was a cheerleader back in high school (obviously). Oh, how I could do the backbends and the splits and the jumps…I was amazingly talented. Unfortunately, the other bitches on the squad were jealous of me because when we cheered, all eyes were on me. I was the star of the squad, and Pammy McKay, the head cheerleader, got all pissy because I was dating her so-called boyfriend, Bubba Hoolihan, the quarterback. I still don't know why she got so mad; it wasn't like he was the only guy I was doing at the time.

Anyway, my squad decided to kick me off after the Homecoming game during my senior year. I mean, come on…just because I forgot my underwear ONE TIME. They said I was too slutty to cheer (like that's ever stopped a cheerleader) and stripped me of my uniform. They were really mean about it too. So I bottled up all that pain and used it for my acting. Remember my role in "Cheer or Die"? The head cheerleader who ends up being the psycho killer who murders the whole football team and cheerleading squad? That was pure method acting. You guys know how seriously I take my craft. When I killed those cheerleaders, I really meant it. In real life, I got the squad back by doing all their boyfriends and making them fall in love with me, then dumping them and making them think it was because their peckers were too little.

But anyway, this movie…God almighty, was it bad. There's no sugar-coating it. It's just bad. There's kind of a plot, sorta. A group of five severely fugly cheerleaders (the Stinkwater Beavers—get it? Beavers?! Now that's some klassy komedy!) are killed (they apparently didn't grasp the idea of getting out of the road when a rogue school bus backs over them) and their bodies taken to a local funeral home. Of course, the mortician is a weird old guy (who, by the way, has had WAAAAY too much plastic surgery and eye liner tattooing for a guy in a small town; actually, he looks like that Jocelyn Wilderstein chick--Google her if you don't know who she is) who sells dead bodies to the local dog food factory (of course) and oh, yeah, by the way…he has some kind of magic beer that helps heal up injuries.

And then there's the janitor, a "Napoleon Dynamite" wannabe who likes to feel up the dead female corpses. Now that's just gross. Not the corpse thing…the Napoleon Dynamite thing. And the fact that we see his johnson...but more about that later.

So the cheerleaders are killed—apparently an out of control bus (going a whopping five miles an hour!) can make bodies explode on impact—and one of them is pregnant with twins (for some reason…I think it was just for the gross-out Caesarian section shot) and one of them isn't entirely dead and…I could go on, but I won't. I'll just get to the stuff you want to know about.

The boob ratio in this movie is surprisingly low, given the fact that it's a bunch of cheerleaders. They had an opportunity to flash five sets of nubile, teenage boobage, but only one of them gave up the goodies…and let me tell you, they were nothing to look at (but then again, I'm comparing them to mine). But if you like mosquito bites, you'll enjoy her performance. In fact, she has the best line in the movie: after losing both her legs at the knee and one arm (not to mention half her face), she wakes up on the autopsy table:

"Are my tits okay? And my perfect little ass?"

"Yes," the bumblefuck assistant mortician replies, "there's not a scratch on them."

"Oh, thank God! Thank God I'm still sexy!"

Okay, newsflash, hon…you're kinda not. And like the other cheerleaders of questionable attractiveness, you never were. I know hot cheerleaders. I WAS a hot cheerleader. And you, sweetie…you're not.

The gore factor in this movie was pretty lame, too. The fake dead bodies of the cheerleaders looked like sex dolls you'd find in a $.99 store. But there was one halfway decent effect, I will say. Of course, all you guys out there will cringe and close your eyes, but the scene where the Janitor hacks off his little mushroom cap and sews on a more John Holmsian pecker was surprisingly realistic. And they even show the scene twice, just in case you didn't catch it all the first time. Thank God they don't show the Frankendick after surgery. I don't think I could have stomached that.

Overall, this is the kind of movie you get when you've got a buck-fifty to spend on a budget. I've worked on movies like that before, so I know it's a tough gig, but come on…if you're going to have a sucky plot, at least have the courtesy to throw in enough boobs and blood to make up for it.

Do yourselves a favor and dig up my classics, "Cheer or Die" or even "Bloody Pom Poms" instead of this cheapo stinkfest.

Hugz!

My Craft

2008-07-24T15:38:00.002-07:00

I've had many people ask me just how I've developed my craft as an actress, and all I can say to them is that it's just a spark of magic that I was born with. Just as I was born with an incredible rack and a booty that would make J-Lo look like a little boy, I was born with the ability to use my body, my instrument, to create characters and moments on film that bring my fans to tears.

I laugh at the so-called actresses who spend all their time and money going to acting classes. Honestly, either you can act or you can't. No amount of class is going to help you create the right look of fear when you're being molested by goo creatures from Mars (as I was in the film "Attack of the Goo!") or when you have to scream for take after take in a scene where you discover that your entire family has been ground up into hamburger for a cannibalistic picnic (as in my film, "BBQ of Doom").

You either have it or you don't, and as my fans will tell you, I have it in spades. The many awards I've won for my appearances in films will attest to that face. If I weren't a great actress, would I have won the 2003 GORE GIRL OF THE YEAR? Would I have won the 2004 Skinnie Award for Best Topless Murder Scene? Would I have the gold-plated Chesty award (a mold of my boobs) on my mantle--given to me for my role as Tessy McTits in the film "Bouncy Booby High"--if I were not worthy of the honor?

I think not. And I think that the actresses out there who are bad-mouthing me (you know who you are) had better keep their two-bit opinions to themselves.

Jealousy makes you look fat. They should remember that.

Nip Insurance

2008-07-24T15:38:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention that the insurance on my nipples has come through!!! Now they're insured for a cool $500,000 each...

BUT...that means I can't get them pierced like I had planned (I thought it would be cool to get rings in them) but that might be okay. I had a friend once who had her nipples pierced and one day when she was taking off her mesh catsuit, she snagged one of the rings and ripped it out. Her boyfriend--who bought her the boobs to start with--was so pissed off about it that he broke up with her.

Anyway, I can't get the tattoos that I was considering, either. I thought about having some little flowers done all around them. Or a unicorn or something cute. But then I thought about it and realized that tattoos would SEVERELY limit my choice in movie roles. Angelina Jolie might be able to get away with looking like a circus freak, but my fans have come to expect a certain classiness about my nipples, and I'm not going to disappoint them.

I'm thinking about getting my ass insured too...I figure $250,000 per cheek might be cool. It won't pay up if I get fat, though. I asked.

A (Crappy) Day in the Life...

2008-07-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

So my day today has sucked donkey balls. I swear...I should have just stayed in bed.

First, I have to get up at 7 to make it to my full body waxing at Madame Kink's Salon--and you know how much I hate to get up that early. And the dirty looks those bimbos at the salon gave me when I had my usual pre-wax drink of Jack and Coke...hello? Excuse me, but I need something to make it not hurt quite so friggin much when hair is ripped out of my skin!

God!

This stupid "The Dead and the Naked" movie is really chapping my ass. After the damn waxing was over, I had to go immediately to my yoga lesson so I could get myself into the pretzel pose for my big climactic scene. Do any of you guys have any idea what it's like trying to get into a leotard right after a wax? Here's a way to share my pain: go pluck out about a dozen hairs from your balls and put on a pair of tight jeans. Yeah, I thought you wouldn't do it.

Anyway, my yoga instructor is a bitch named Debi who thinks that just because she was born a circus freak with no bones, everybody should be able to bend over far enough to kiss their own ass. Listen, if I could bend over that far, I wouldn't be dating the assholes I usually end up with (except for you, honey, if you're reading this; you're not just any old asshole to me!).

I had to meet my agent, Tony, for lunch afterwards, and he says he's got a great new gig for me that won't involve having to be naked. Since this is the first time he's ever said that to me, I was interested. He says some website wants me to write movie reviews of grade-z horror and "erotic thriller" movies. He said it would be good for my career to branch out a little bit and show the world I'm not just another pretty face.

First of all, I'm not just another stunningly GORGEOUS face. Let's get that right.

Second of all, my fans have come to know me for my physicality, not my brains. Even though I've been told I could join that genius group (what's the name of it? MENSES or something?) if I wanted to, I don't like to advertise that I have great brains AND great beauty. I get enough hate mail from women as it is. Can you imagine if they thought I was the total package?

Anyway, Tony said they'd pay me for writing the reviews, so I said sure, I'd do it, but I wanted to post them here first, for my fans to read. And I fully expect you guys to come to my blog and read them!

I had a spray tanning appointment after lunch, and the damn idiot running the thing didn't get me dark enough--I wanted "chestnut" but he stopped at "peach"--so now I have to go back again tomorrow to get another coat. Plus I have to study my lines for "The Dead and the Naked" and find my character's heart and motivation.

I'm going to start posting my reviews this weekend, so you guys can get a sneak peek. At least one good thing came out of this friggin day.

I'm gonna go have another Jack and Coke.

Nips

2008-07-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

You know how some actresses go to Lloyd's of London and insure some part of their body, like J-Lo's ass or Mariah Carey's legs or whatever their main money-maker is? I've been talking to my agent, Tony, and he thinks that I should do the same thing.

So I'm going to get insurance on my nipples.

Hey, ever since my first wet t-shirt scene in "Frat Night Beer Fest 2," my nipples have helped get me a LOT of work. If something ever happened to them...well, I don't even want to think about it. I do a lot of my best acting with my nipples.

I'm thinking I'll get 'em insured for a million bucks. That's $500,000 each. That'll cover damage to them if the make up guys get a little too enthusiastic with the ice cubes, as well as pay for any electrolysis I might need to have on them.

The problem is, Lloyd's isn't selling nipple insurance right now, so I'm going to go with another company: Vinnie's of Vegas. I think that $50.00 a month is a good deal for that much coverage, don't you?

I'm doing all this for you, my fans. My nipples are your nipples.

"The Dead & the Naked"

2008-07-23T22:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, guys...get this:

I just got a starring role in a movie...and I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO AUDITION!!!!!

Last night I got a call from the director, who said that he'd seen my work and that he liked my look (duh!) and that I'd be perfect for the lead role in 'The Dead and the Naked'!

The movie is about a zombie outbreak in a nature colony, whatever that is. I guess it's a bunch of people who, like, go look at birds and bushes and stuff. My character is named Victoria Plentifull, the yoga instructor at the colony, and she's the one who lives until the end (or DOES she? Don't want to blow the ending for you guys!). She uses her ultra flexible body to escape the zombies by crawling into tiny spaces.

The only bad thing about this movie is that one of my ex-boyfriends is starring in it too. I haven't talked about him before, but his name is Jake Strong and he dumped me for a fling with Steffy Von Kronk (yeah, her again). Jake and I were really serious for a long time, but I decided that I wasn't cool with his idea to have threesomes with Steffy (I mean, come on...those boobs would suffocate me!) and so he ended it. I haven't talked to him since then.

But because I'm professional, I'll be able to do the love scenes in "The Dead and the Naked." My new boyfriend won't like it, but oh well!

I'll write more about it later! My agent's on the phone and he wants to talk to me about the new movie!!!!

Update: "The Dead & the Naked"

2008-07-23T22:49:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with my agent...

Apparently a 'nature colony' is another way to say "nudist camp". So I'll be completely naked for the whole movie. Ugh...all the shaving and tanning I'll have to do! Can you imagine what the upkeep is going to be like?

On the bright side, though, the producers will pay for all the Brazilian waxes, so that's cool.

I'm going to have to go back to yoga class to make sure I can get my feet behind my head again. There's one really cool scene in the movie where I'm in the middle of my routine and I get my feet stuck back there when the zombies attack. I have to fight them off and keep from rolling all over the place at the same time. I think this could be my "Ripley" role (you know...from Alien?). I can play tough and sexy better than Signourney Weaver....and I'm way younger and much hotter.

So what do my fans think about this? What do you guys think about me naked and fighting off zombies? NAKED zombies.

Let me know!!!

75 Questions About ME

2008-07-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

Do you have any pets?
Oh, God no...who wants to clean up poop all day? Yuck!!

What color shirt are you wearing?
Is "sheer" a color?

Name three things that are physically close to you:
My computer, my Jack and Coke, my remote control

What is the last book you read?
Um...I don't remember. I don't like reading too much.

Are you or were you a good student?
LOL!!!! Yeah, right. I'm pretty. I didn't have to be a good student.

What's your favorite sport?
Is "bitching" a sport?

Do you enjoy sleeping late?
Hells, yeah!!! I don't get up until 2pm.

What's the weather like right now?
It's southern CA...what do you THINK it's like?

Who tells the best jokes?
I do, when I can remember them

What was the last thing you dreamed about?
I won an Oscar and when I went on stage, I was naked. And I looked fantastic.

Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
I like to drive in my convertable. I haven't crashed, but I kinda caused a crash once when I flashed a truck driver in the left lane.

Do you believe in karma?
Like the chameleon?

Do you believe in luck?
Yes. And I believe I need more of it.

Do you like your eggs scrambled or sunny side up?
I don't eat reproductive organs. Just like my ex-boyfriend (get it?)

Do you collect anything? If so, what?
I collect boyfriends, jewelry, clothes, photos of myself

Are you proud of yourself?
DUH! Of course I am. Are you blind? Look at me!

Are you reliable?
When I want to be

Have you ever given money to a bum?
No...I think bums should get up and work just like I do. I can't help if if nobody wants to see THEM naked

What's your favorite food?
I don't eat very often, but when I do, I like liver and onions

Have you ever had a secret admirer?
LOL!!! When HAVEN'T I had a secret admirer???

Do you like the smell of gasoline?
Not as much as the smell of spray paint

Do like to draw?
I only like to draw unemployment checks between gigs

What's your favorite invention?
Caller ID...so I know when my stalkers are calling

Is your room messy?
I prefer the term "organizationally challenged" thank you

What do you like better: oranges or apples?
Bananas. I once got a part in a movie just because the director saw me eating a banana outside the audition room. I was impressive.

Do you give in easily?
Absolutely not...well, okay...I guess I do...

Are you a good guesser?
Yes. I can guess how much money a man has in the bank just by looking at him

Can you read other people's expressions?
Usually they're not looking me in the eye, so it's easy, yeah

Are you a bully?
When I have to be. Especially when stupid people won't do what I want.

Do you have a job?
Of course! I'm a scream queen

What time did you wake up this morning?
Morning? You mean AFTERNOON.

What did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A Jack and Coke and a cigarette

When was the last time you showered?
Ten minutes ago...and I'm still wearing the towel

What do you plan on doing tomorrow?
Getting a Brazilian wax, preparing for my role in "The Dead and the Naked"

What's your favorite day of the week and why?
Thursday, because the clubs are crowded

Do you have any nicknames?
"Sex Doll," "Bam-Bam," "Star"

Have you ever been scuba diving?
No...and I don't think I want to either

What's your least favorite color?
Puce. I still don't know exactly what color that is, but it looks like shit on me.

Is there someone you have been constantly thinking about? If yes, who?
Yes...but I can't tell you his name. He's another celebrity and the gossip would be hell.

Would you ever go skydiving?
HELL no

What toothpaste do you use?
Whatever I can find in the guy's medicine cabinet.

Do you enjoy challenges?
Not really...they make you work too much

What's the worst injury you have had?
I broke a nail on the set of "Death Gobbler 3"

What's the last movie you saw?
The newest edit of my latest film, "Sex Demon 4"

What do you want to know about the future?
How much of it I'm in

What does your last text message say?
"U R godS--Mrry me plz:"

Who was the last person you spoke over the phone to?
My agent, Tony

What's your favorite school subject?
Recess

What's your least favorite school subject?
All of them

Would you rather have money or love?
MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY

What is your dream vacation?
Me on a deserted island with that guy from 300 (the one with the abs) and a cabana made of bricks of hundred dollar bills

What is your favorite animal?
None of them.

Do you miss anyone right now?
No. But I guarantee he's missing ME!

What's the last sporting event you watched?
I don't do sports. Athletes, on the other hand...

Do you need to do laundry?
I have someone to do that FOR me

Do you listen to the radio?
With all the commercials? Please!

What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Pout until some guy comes by and buys what I want for me.

Have you ever caught a butterfly?
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? See, I can ask dumb questions too.

What color are your bed sheets?
Black satin

What's your ringtone?
"Fergilicious" because I'm Bambilicious

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Myself

Do you have any obsessions right now?
Just getting the blond highlights perfect in my hair

Do you like things that glow in the dark?
Only condoms. It's funny to watch them bob around.

What's your favorite fruity scent?
Cherries

Do you watch cartoons?
No...I'm not 10 years old.

Have you ever sat on a roof?
No...I'm not a fiddler

Have you ever been to a different country?
Yes...but I've never been to me.

Name three things in the world you dislike:
1) Cheap producers who won't pay for my Mystic tan 2) Steffy Von Krunk 3) Nude scenes in the wintertime

Name three people in the world you dislike:
1) Steffy Von Krunk 2) Sandy Kahall, the girl who won "Most Pretty" in high school 3) Steffy Von Krunk (I really hate her)

Has a rumor even been spread about you?
God, yes...every day.The last one that I heard was that I was pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby and Angelina was going to adopt me AND the baby.

Do you like sushi?
No way...I hear you can get worms eating that

Do you believe in magic?
Yes, but only in a young girl's heart

Do you hold grudges?
That's my only reason for existence

Memory Lane: "Death Gobbler 5"

2008-07-23T22:35:00.000-07:00

I just ran into someone on Myspace who I think might have done the special effects for Death Gobbler 5. Man, that was one of my favorite movie appearances. In case you haven't seen it (yet), I starred in all five of the Death Gobbler movies as Brandi Barr, an innocent stripper who has an unlucky run in with the Grim Reaper. In order to keep from dying too young, Brandi makes a deal with the Reaper: she will go out and bring in guys who escaped death by one way or another. And the way she sucks out their souls?

Think about it.

Brandi has become the Death Gobbler, and she is destined to forever walk the earth sucking souls out of the damned. And I think you have an idea how she does it, if you know what I mean.

Now isn't that a chilling premise? I thought so.

Anyway, Death Gobbler 5 was the last one in the series (the producer decided to put his backing money into porn instead of horror) and the director decided to end Brandi's gobbling reign. So she has to fight a force of good, codenamed "The Swallow," and the two have a showdown. I'm still not sure why the showdown had to happen while we were naked in a pool of blood, but the director had a vision and he knew it would look magical on screen.

After The Swallow wins the fight, she sucks Brandi's soul out (again, the director thought it would be meaningful for it to be through a kiss, but the bitch playing The Swallow hadn't brushed her teeth in, like, a week) and Brandi turns into an ugly-faced hag who still has a great body. That's where the special effects came in.

It was a cool experience to have my head cast again--it's like getting a really heavy facial. The hag mask was excellent, but I hope I never get that old and ugly. I mean, I looked at least 40. Ick.

I'm trying to get "Death Gobbler 6" made, but I don't know if the director wants to do it. He says all kinds of crap like, "But I already made that movie five times" and "Nobody wants to see you giving BJs of Doom anymore" but I don't believe him. I think my audience will always want to see me, no matter what I'm doing.

Am I right, or am I right?

I thought so. I'm right.

Blooming Blooms of Cosmic Love: A Poem

2008-07-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote this poem the other day for a special man in my life. It's still too early in our fragile relationship for me to go public, but I wanted to share this with my fans.

Blooming Blooms of Cosmic Love: A Poem

Why do you love me?
Why not?
I am beautiful in your eyes, perfection
like you have never known
and will never know
again.

I allow you into my life
even though you are imperfect with
hair in your nose and ears,
on your back and ass.
Everywhere but your head.
But you are rich with other things,
like yachts and mansions and cars.
And I love that about you.

You treat me as I should be
treated. A queen.
A princess.
You shower me with all the things
I want.
And I like that about you.

And in return, I am perfect.
Golden hair. Cornflower eyes.
Breasts so high and proud
that you could put an eye out.
And you love that about me.

Cosmic blooms of blooming love
blooming blooms of cosmic love-rays.
I am one with myself. Perfection.
And you are good enough.
For now.

Momma Bambi

2008-07-23T22:33:00.000-07:00

Bambi-Lyn decided to become a mother.

Oh, don't worry, fans! I haven't ruined my perfect body by forcing it to go through the whole pregnancy/childbirth ordeal. God, no! Instead, I chose to go the Angelina route (and she's such a dear, sweet friend...or at least she would be if she returned my calls, I just know it!) and adopt a baby.

But where to go? What precious soul should I save by rescuing it from a life of poverty and dirt and yuck? What country should I grace with my maternal instinct? I agonized over my decision for over two hours! Should I go to Africa? Russia? China? Where in the world was the baby that was destined to be my child?

Unfortunately, Africa is a little too wartorn and dangerous for me right now, and Russia and China are soooooo far away...who wants to sit on a plane for hours and hours? Not me!

So instead, I decided to take a day trip down to Mexico, and there, at an orphanage, I found the most beautiful little girl. Her name was Juna, and when she smiled at me, I knew that one day she would grow up to be even more beautiful than I.

So I kept walking. Who needs the competition, am I right?

I almost didn't think my destined child was there in Mexico, until the nuns brought out their last baby, a little boy they'd named Eduardo. I held him in my arms and knew that finally, I had found the missing piece of my soul. And then he threw up on me, and I kinda wondered if maybe the missing piece of my soul might be a cleaner kid.

The nuns allowed me to spend some time with Eduardo to see if we might bond, and left me alone with him. I didn't know what to do at first, but then my exquisite maternal instinct kicked in. When he cried, I cried along with him so he'd know I felt his pain. He cried a lot. I guess he didn't like being an orphan. After a while, he got boring. So I just kinda looked at him and he looked at me.

There would be so many challenges to being Eduardo's mother, not the least of which was the language barrier. How would we communicate when he began to speak? I don't know any Spanish! And changing diapers...would I really be expected to handle poop? And what would I do when he started asking questions about his real parents? Should I tell him that they heartlessly abandoned him to a run down orphanage, or try to make him feel better by telling him that they both died a tragic, painful death in a factory fire?

And then, what would I do when I decided to go find Eddie a daddy? Would I have to take him on dates with me? What if I wanted to go out to the clubs and go dancing? Could I stick a bottle full of coffee in his mouth and keep him up all night with me and my date?

And then, what about my acting career? I'm used to being able to pick up and go at a moment's notice, jetsetting around the world (okay, around the state at least) whenever I want. How could I do that when I had this awful responsibility hung round my neck? What about what I want? What about my life? What about me?

The nuns came back and I had to tell them thanks but no thanks. Maybe when I'm older, and when I don't care about my looks or my social life as much any more. I do have to say that I did not appreciate the looks they gave me when I left. Nuns should not smirk, and they certainly should not mutter "Told you so" and bet on the outcome of anything. I'm pretty sure it's not in the Bible for them to do that.

So...there it is. For a few hours, Bambi-Lyn Couchet was a mother. I'll always keep Eduardo in my heart, and I know his life will be deeply enriched by the time he spent in my arms. Well, in the same room with me.

Yes, it was the least I could do. But if I could bring even a moment of sunshine into the lives of those less fortunate than me, then I was worth it.

Stupid Divorce Laws!!!

2008-07-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

So I just found out that my wedding with BJ? The producer? Who divorced me after only a couple hours of marriage? Well, things have just gotten royally suckassy! I just heard from my lawyer that I'll get nothing from the divorce! NOTHING!

NOTHING!!!!

I gave that man three of the best hours of my life! I put my career on hold for him and sacrificed everything I was willing to give up for a little while for him. And he can't even toss me a measly five million dollar bone?

It's an outrage the way women are treated in divorces. An outrage!!! Now I'll have to take that job I was offered as the featured wrestler in the semi-nude jello-wrestling finals out in Riverside. Of course, I was planning to take it anyway, but it's just the principal of the thing.

In better news, I've just finished up the script for the film I'll be directing, so good things are about to happen for Bambi-Lyn! I know you're just thrilled for me!!!

Ta for now!

A Burning Question

2008-07-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm no director (not yet, anyway...I'm ready to make my directorial debut this fall, but more on that later) but would somebody please tell me why Todd Turkel, the director of my newest film, "Blades of Gory," insisted on filming a close-up of my boobs for twenty minutes? Not my face. Just my boobs.

How can I possibly act with my boobs? Of course, I tried to portray some emotion by jiggling to the left (for sadness) and up and down (for happiness) but, whew...by the time he yelled cut, I was exhausted!

I got to see the dailies for the scene, though, and they were great. Say what you will, but my boobs can really act! Todd called me a great thesbian, but I told him I didn't like girls in that way (unless it's for a scene).

It's days like this that I truly feel like an artist perfecting my craft.

My Ex-Marriage

2008-07-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

A note about my marriage...

I've received a ton of heartbroken emails from my fans who could not believe that I had gone off and gotten married.

To them, I say...I'm sorry. But to cheer up because it doesn't count. Plus, I'll probably get getting super rich from it, so it was a really good investment, if you ask me.

Some people have asked me what kind of wedding gown I wore. Actually, it wasn't a gown so much as a pair of daisy dukes and a tube top. Oh, and flip-flops. As you all well know, Brittney Spears is, like, my fashion goddess, and so I wanted to look just like her (you know, when she got married to the boring, poor guy, not when she got married to the dorky poor guy).

I still have my wedding ring, of course, because I told BJ he'd have to hire somebody to cut my finger off to get that 18 carat diamond off my hand. He didn't say much after that, so I think I'm going to go hock it next week. I like having all my fingers.

But once again, I want to assure all my fans that I AM NOT MARRIED!!! It was just an experience that helped me grow...and become rich.

You can still fantasize about me without feeling guilty. Unless you fantasize about making me do really pervo stuff. Then you should feel a little guilty.

Identity Crisis

2008-07-23T22:29:00.000-07:00

Oh my God, people!

There are some ignorant idiots out there who are actually saying I'm not a real person! ME! Star of over forty-five films!

I'm just...I can't believe it!

There are some nasty rumors out there (probably circulated by some skank...STEFFY!) saying that I'm not really an actress and that this whole thing is fake. It's hurtful and it's mean and it makes me want to cry (but of course I won't because then I'd mess up my make-up).

You know what's wrong with this world, besides all the war and violence and poverty and idiots in government and hunger and intolerance?

Jealousy. Jealousy is what's wrong with this world.

I know that you guys, my fans, know that I'm real. Well...MOST of me is real. I bought a few parts.

I put the 'tit' in Identity Crisis!

My New Gig: Scriptwriting

2008-07-23T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well, my beloved Bambikins...you are now reading the words of a semi-professional writer.

That's right...I wrote a script! Well...sort of. I've got the title and "FADE IN" and I know the first scene is going to happen in a graveyard at night, but still...it's a script!

I'm really excited about it. One of my friends, McD, is going to direct it once he can talk his dad into letting him borrow his video camera, and I'm going to star in it. I might produce it too. And make some brownies for the craft service table.

See, it's going to be a real horror extravaganza, because I want you guys to know that I'm more than just a gorgeous body and a beautiful face. I'm a true artist, and I have a vision that I must share with the world. And the name of that vision is "Bloody Guts in an Open Grave" (unless I think of a better title).

I just know that my movie will get picked up for distribution by somebody. Maybe Troma, if I decide to go that route. And of course I'll send it to all the festivals and win a few prizes. It'll be the movie that all other horror movies are compared to, believe me.

Some people are saying that I'm over-confident, but I say to them, "Bite my multi-talented ass!" I've been in enough bad horror movies to know what to do, and McD has directed dozens of music videos for bands like "My Bloody Tampex," "Rabid Weasles," "Death Chamber Grannies," and "Bite My Wang." Yeah, I thought you'd be impressed by that line up.

Hey, I just had a great idea for the script. I've got to go write it while it's hot. Let me know what you guys think (and how many copies of the movie I can sell you--LOL!!!!!)

Strawberry Jello & me

2008-07-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

So while I was on my whirlwind rollercoaster of the last few months, I found myself down south and in mucho demand, of course. My fans are everywhere. I somehow got talked into taking part in a fast-growing spectator sport that's sweeping the bar scene...

Yes, that's right. I am now the Strawberry Jello Wrestling Queen of North America.

And the funny thing is, I didn't even know I could wrestle! Especially since the bikini I picked out for my match was a couple of sizes too small and the damn thing kept sliding off at the worst moments. The judges didn't seem to mind, though, and I kept winning one match after another. At the end of that first night I won a nice plastic trophy and $25 bucks. Plus I got to keep the bikini.

The problem is, I'm apparently allergic to strawberry jello. I mean, REALLY allergic. It gets into nooks and crannies you don't even know you have and tends to rash up pretty badly. Plus it's hell to get out of your hair.

At my next match (which is next month at some convention, I think) I think I'm going to demand grape jello instead. Ooh, or lemon! I look really good in yellow.

And I'm going to wear my lucky bikini! Wish me luck!!!

Wedding Hells

2008-07-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've got so much to write about here, but first I'll talk about one of the most life-changing events in my life.

I got married.

Of course, I got divorced six hours later, but those were the most wonderful six hours of my life, and if that bimbo Pam Anderson hadn't decided to get married in a frickin' bikini, MY wedding would have been all over the tabloids.

Anyway...picture this scene. I'm auditioning for a lead role in "Scream Bloody Murder IX: Dark Bloodening" when the director calls in the producer to check me out. In walks this short, hairy, pudgy old man with slicked back hair and a cigar hanging out of his mouth, not even bothering to look at me while he's counting a roll of hundreds.

It was love at first sight.

I can't give his name on here, but his initials are B.J. (ironic, considering) and I gave the performance of my life for him (on several occasions, but more on that later). After I did the scene--the main character. Tiffy, does some major soul searching about her life while taking a shower--B.J. invited me to dinner. Well, obviously I gave up eating a long time ago, so I asked if we could meet for drinks instead. He said yes, and that got it all started.

A lady doesn't kiss and tell, but we totally did it that night. Well, sorta. I told him I really wanted to wait until I was married to actually DO it (I'd just read that virginity is really hott now). B.J. had a little bit of a...problem...in that area anyway. That was fine with me, though, because he bought me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet to make up for it. I spent the weekend with him and let him buy me a new wardrobe and a new car and a new doggy bed for my new teensy-weensy little doggie, BooBoo. Sure, he smelled like old salami and forgot to clean his dentures and didn't bother to change his underwear every day, but it was love. Pure, undeniable love.

Well, one thing led to another and after one date that ended up in the back of his leather-interior limo, he asked me to marry him during a weekend in Vegas. I told the blackjack dealer to hold my spot and we zipped over to one of the chapels and let Elvis marry us. Then I won a hundred bucks on the slot machines and let B.J. buy me a totally sweet diamond-encrusted doggy collar for BooBoo. It was a magical night.

Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to last. B.J. surprised me on our wedding night by telling me that he'd finally broken down and got a prescription for those little blue pills. You know the ones. By the time I'd finished my champagne bath and jacuzzi and went back into the bedroom, B.J. was ready and raring to go. I'd never seen a man so happy.

Sadly, I had developed one of my terrible migraines between the tub and the bedroom and wasn't able to indulge B.J. that night. He didn't take the news well, since he'd waited so long and everything, and when I woke up in my own suite the next morning, he had already served divorce papers on me.

I was heartbroken, of course, but I healed pretty quickly when I realized that B.J. had been so hot and bothered for a wedding night with me that he'd forgotten to have me sign any kind of prenup. Oopsy!

So now I must live with the trauma of divorce. I'm planning on using the emotional pain in my acting, so I'm getting more out of it than just half of B.J.'s millions. Ah, life...it can be so sweet, yet so cruel.

Bite me, Steffy!

2008-07-23T22:25:00.000-07:00

HAH! I just got a call from my agent. Guess what skanky, double EE, weave-wearing, fake-redheaded, no-talent slut got kicked off her movie?

Yeah, okay...maybe it's not that hard to guess. But Steffy Von Kronk is officially OFF the set of "Sex Demon Attacks" because the director--who she was messing around with--caught her doing some mouthy things with the guy who drives the "catering truck" (aka the Dominos delivery boy). I guess if she'd kept her below-the-belt business with above-the-line crew, she might have been able to stay in the movie, but the director (Eddie, the boob-grabbing perv) didn't like sharing her with the guy he tips with quarters.

HA!!!!!

I'm to report on the set first thing tomorrow morning, which is kind of a bummer because I had plans to go get a spray-on tan and another Brazilian, but I guess I can put those off until later. I can't wait to do my first scene as the sex-demon possessed virgin! I hear she bites a guy's whangdoodler right off! And boy, I've been tempted to do THAT before!

PS: And Steffy, if you're reading this (or having someone read it TO you), have an EXTRA nice day tomorrow getting ready to go to the unemployment office! Maybe Dane Jackson will give you a ride. HA!!!

Memory Lane: "Witch Hunt 6: The Evil Returns Again"

2008-07-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

WITCH HUNT 6--THE EVIL RETURNS AGAIN

You know, I just love scary movies. Ever since I was a little girl growing up in the backwoods of Ohio, I loved staying up all night and watching all the marathons on weekends. Well, not that I stayed up ALL night--I usually fell asleep during the first movie--but the boys in school thought I was just the coolest girl in class because I told them I liked monster movies, so why muddy up things?

Anyway, when I got the call to appear in Witch Hunt 6, I was so honored to be included in such a masterpiece of horror cinema! There was one little problem, though...the character I played in Witch Hunt 5 (Simone) was decapitated, disemboweled, and burned at the stake at the end of the movie. So the writer had to really figure out a good way to bring me back. He was a smart guy--he wore glasses and everything--so he had a great idea to write me in as Simone's good sister, Sindy, who ends up possessed by Simone's ghost. Isn't that original and brilliant!?!

In the movie, Sindy--while possessed by Simone--decides to go on a revenge hunt against all the people who burned Simone, and of course she has sex with all the men first before killing them (I thought she should be fair and do the same with the women, too, and the director LOVED my idea! That scene where Sindy seduces Lila the lawyer was all me.) I felt that the close-up shots of my breasts in this movie only strengthed the director's message of spirituality, despite what the critics have said.

This movie, as my fans already know, was nominated for the 2001 Golden Wand award for best sex scene in a horror film (we lost to Steffy Von Kronk's directorial debut, "Poontangula"). I did win the Golden Wand for "Most Doable Actress" and I still have it on my bedside table.

I think that this movie is where my "Scream Queenieness" really started to kick in.

Heartbroken

2008-07-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

Before anyone even asks...yes, the rumors are true. I've broken up with Dane Jackson. You might know him from his starring roles in "Bloody Fists" and "Two Guns of Fury," to name just a couple of his films. We co-starred in "Death Bitch IX" and I honestly thought we would be together forever.

But no...Steffy Von Kronk took care of that.

I knew that it would be dangerous for Dane to work with her on "Blood Bitch," but I thought I could trust Dane to be faithful to me. HA! One look at Steffy's chest and he was lost to me. I heard the rumors of their affair, and then one day I decided to visit them on the set and surprise Dane for his birthday. Guess who got surprised instead.

I've never seen anyone with a guiltier look on his face. And Steffy didn't say a word, although that was probably because she was taught to never talk with her mouth full.

That was just a couple of weeks ago, and the pain is still pretty fresh. I heard that Dane has been asking around about me, trying to get me back, but I refuse to even talk to him. We were a great team, but he ruined it by taking up with that sleazy, skanky, redheaded floozy. Double EE boobs do not make for a good girlfriend, Dane!

Anyway, now that we've broken up, I'm looking for Mr. Right again. I just want a guy who's handsome, ridiculously rich, smart, wealthy, kind, and well-to-do. That's all. What does a girl like me have to do to find true love?

But now that Dane and I are over, I should tell any female fans of his who are thinking of being one of his groupies that they really shouldn't bother. In fact, if you're considering contacting him and offering to "comfort" him over losing me, take a second and raise your right hand. Okay, now stick up your pinky finger. See how short and narrow that is?

Do I have to say anything else, or do you get my drift? In other words, don't bother. That impressive bulge in his Speedo in "Bloody Fists" was all movie magic, sweeties.

Well what do you know? I feel so much better now! :)

Actresses Are Evil!

2008-07-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to my audition this morning...what a waste of my time! I dress up in my best audition clothes (Daisy Dukes, white lace cami, and six inch heels...you know, casual) and I have to say that I looked GOOD. I mean, really good. Make men drive off the road good. But I don't have to convince you guys of that; you know all that already!

Anyway, I go to the audition, and it's in some skanky building in a part of town that doesn't even have valet parking(!) I had to park my OWN CAR! I simply could not believe that I was being forced to endure such indignities, but I sucked it up (something I'm quite good at) and decided to be a professional.

I walk into the place and there are fifteen other actresses in the room! Can you believe that? I thought I was the only one called to auditon!!! And all of them looked exactly alike: long blonde hair, Angelina lips, man-made boobs, and skin-tight ho-wear. I mean, really...either you can pull off wearing a red leather mini-skirt or you can't, and these women couldn't. They looked like ten pounds of slut packed into a five pound bag. Ugh.

But I get my sides and I read over the part--it's for the lead role of Marci, the town virgin who gets possessed by a sex demon who makes her sleep with guys and kill them; I love these strong women roles! I know exactly how to portray the character (shy but horny) and while I'm practicing my lines to myself, you would NOT believe who dared to interrupt me!

That's right...Steffy Von Kronk.

Like's it's not enough for her to win the SKINNY award I was nominated for. She flounces into the room and announces to everyone that they might as well go home because she's already got the part. I'm like, "What?" and she's all like, "You heard me" and I'm like, "I don't think so, bitch," and she's like, "What are you going to do about it, slut?"

I jumped her, and we went at it like a couple of cats. She tore my cami half-off so there I was, boobs swinging in the breeze, yanking at her cheap weave (like anybody believes she's a REAL redhead...the carpet doesn't match the drapes, so she keeps it "hardwood" so nobody will know). I managed to get a handful of her tacky satin tube top and so I pulled--because if I was going to be topless, so was she!--and she starts screaming to leave her alone because I was going to make her new implants start leaking. What a baby!

The producer and director came out right about then and watched us wrestle for a couple of minutes before pulling us apart (and Eddie, I KNOW you grabbed my boobs on purpose, you perv!). Steffy looked like crap by the time I got finished with her--she looked like a raccoon with her mascara all smeared around her eyes, and I'd smacked the lipstick right off her. I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the mirrors and you know what...? I STILL looked good. Fighting makes me get all glowy or something. I might go out for the new Wonder Woman movie, because I'm damn fine when I'm pissed.

Anyway, to make a stupid story short, the producer and director took one look at Steffy's double EE cups swaying in the wind and decided to hire her on the spot. I figured once those babies got unleashed that I'd have no chance; it'd be like comparing apples to oranges...or, in our case, cantalopes to watermelons. They wanted to write a new character into the movie to have a fight with Steffy (they said we inspired them) but I told them I could never work with someone so unprofessional. I mean, Steffy doesn't even match her pedicure color with her manicure! How can I work in that environment?

It's not over with Steffy, though. I'll run into her again, and when I do, I'll tie those droopy boobs in a knot around her throat!

(Hey...that gives me an idea for a movie!)

Busy, busy!!

2008-07-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

I know it's been forEVER since I've bloggied, but I've been busier than ever lately! I'll go into more detail in future entries, but let's just say that yours truly has landed a plum role on a future episode of CSI!!!!!!!

That's right! I play "Dead Hooker ..2" in the third episode of the new season! Well, that's if they decide to include my scene--sometimes directors can't see raw talent when it's right in front of them. My character is found in a crack house where somebody was skinned alive and then used to make lampshades or something--I don't know, I just read my part! She's already dead when they find her, but I get to wear my favorite fishnets/leather mini/pink leather corset outfit! I suggested it and the director agreed...he said it looked EXACTLY like something a whore would wear! Do I know how to get into my roles or what?

Anyway, I've got more news about the SKINNIES and the fight I got into when I was in Vegas (ugh...some actresses are SO awful! I kicked ass though! Yay, me!). Plus there's news about a few movies I'm doing, and I've got some original poetry and song lyrics to share with my fans. Aren't you glad I'm back?

Smooches, babies! I've got to get some beauty sleep before an audition tomorrow morning...it's for a horror movie, and I'm super-psyched! Got to keep my "Scream Queen" title, you know!

Memory Lane: WITCH HUNT 5--BURNED AT THE STAKE

2008-07-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

WITCH HUNT 5 was so much fun to make! It was my first horror movie, and it really made me love being a Scream Queen. I played Simone, and of course, the character was very dark and evil, so I had to really stretch to find the core of her character. Fun fact: my nude dance around the cauldron of blood earned me my second "Golden G-String" PLUS the opportunity to trod the boards on stage at "Shake-a-Booty" in a two month gig.

This movie really helped me get in touch with my spiritual side. I TOTALLY got into doing fortunetelling and palm reading and all that stuff when we made this one. I also met my spiritual advisor, Miss Sylvia, and she has been so helpful to me when it comes to making career decisions. For example, she said that because my moon was in Pluto, I shouldn't go on auditions when I wake up on my left side. And you know what...she was right! I ignored her advice one day--I woke up on my left side and decided to go ahead and make the audition--and I didn't get the part! Some bimbo named Reese Withersomething or other got it. Whoever.

A lot of people thought I was really getting into witchcraft because I was so convincing in this role--Simone is a really powerful witch who draws her power through "sex magick"--but that's because the director, Bob, worked really closely with me on getting the whole sex magick ritual right. He's such a pro and such a stickler for details that he PERSONALLY painted the runes and symbols on my naked body with blood. Wow...what an honor to work with someone like that.

I'm going to write more about Witch Hunt 5 soon...so stay tuned!!!!!

The SKINNIE Awards!

2008-07-23T22:15:00.001-07:00

Oh, my gosh, guys...I just found out that I've been nominated for a...wait a minute, let me catch my breath here...SKINNIE AWARD!!!!!

I know you all know what the Skinnes are, but for those of you who might not be "in the know," the Skinnies are like the underground Oscars, given to actors and actresses who have demonstrated the most talent and naked skin in straight-to-video (or DVD) movies. It's such an honor to even be nominated, especially considering who my co-nominees are:

Jasmine St. Jazzmine, for her role as the Gym Teacher in "Hot For Teacher 4" (she was pretty good, but I didn't really buy her scenes with the girls' soccer team in the locker room--although I heard she does like to "rehearse" a lot before filming, if you get my drifties).

Steffy Von Kronk, for her role as Mimi in "Mimi Loses It" (again, I have to say that as a fellow actress, I really didn't believe she was a virgin in her first scene. Of course, in every scene after that one, it really doesn't matter, but still...)

Della DeLaurentis, for her role as Virgie in "Hell Night for Virgins" (this was a really scary one--I heard it took them two whole weeks to film it! Della is one of the best screamers--other than me--in the biz)

And finally me, for my role as Daisy Puke in "The Pukes of Hazzard" (it's an homage to the classic TV show and movie, and I wear a pair of short-short-shorts throughout the whole film...and that's it. Nothing but the shorts. I'm a shoo-in to win).

So wish me luck, guys. Being nominated for these important awards makes it all worthwhile for me. It means the world to me to be able to share my talents with the world!

Bambi-Lyn's Mailbag!

2008-07-23T22:11:00.000-07:00

You know, I get a TON of fan mail (though it's never enough--send your emails to me at screamqueenbambi-lyn@hotmail.com) and I thought I'd share some of them with my fans here. I'll answer them here too, so my fans will have the glowy joy of knowing that I, Bambi-Lyn, have acknowedged their existence.Enjoy!

***

Dear Bambi-Lyn,

You have brought meaning and purpose into my lonely life. Before I discovered your work in "Witch Hunt" and "Death Bitch IX", I had no reason to go on: I'd lost my job, my wife divorced me and took our children, my dog died, and I dented the front bumper of my '67 Vette. Then, like a miracle, I saw one of your movies at the video store and I felt reborn. Your beauty and intelligence gives me hope that life can get better, even though my herpes is flaring up again and I've developed a horrible case of adult acne. It would make me the happiest man on earth if you would be so kind as to send me an autographed picture of yourself, so I can cherish it as a reminder that there is still beauty and kindness and generosity in this world. Thank you so much.

Your devoted fan, Arnold

Dear Arnold,

How sweet of you to say. Send $5 to my fan club and I'll send an autographed picture. Smootchies!

***

Dear Bambi-Lyn (if that is your REAL name),

I think you are an embarrassment to the female gender. How can you flash your breasts in every movie you're in, and have the gall to announce that you are an 'artist'? In my opinion, you are nothing more than a glorified prostitute! I am a real actress, having studied at Yale Drama and worked for years on Broadway, and I have to say that your existence cheapens the profession.

An angry (but REAL) actress

Dear Angry,

This is one of the things that breaks my heart, to know that my profound beauty and talent cannot reach someone as miserable and failed as yourself. I can only hope that you find some small measure of happiness in your pathetic, lonely life and that the next time you see me at a movie premiere, wearing a designer gown and dripping with jewels and gorgeous men, you won't hate yourself too much. Keep on smiling!

***

Dear Bambi-Lyn,

I love you. I want you to bear my children. I can't live without you. Every day of my life is spent furthering your name and cheerleading your career. You are my light and my hope and my future. I can't live without you. How can I get to know you better?

Eddie

Dear Eddie,

You silly boy! You're so sweet. Join my fan club ($30 per year in the US) and you can keep up on all my current news and gossip. Smootchies!

***

Aren't my fans just the best (except for that prissy snotty actress...can you believe that? Boy, I've got a blog coming about her!)? I love all my fans, and my fans love all of me!

Memory Lane: "Ho Stalker 3"

2008-07-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

Tbere's just something about a good old-fashioned thriller that I think is timeless. When I landed the role of Prostitute #1 in HO STALKER 3, I knew that I was born to play this tragic woman. I built on my earlier experience in "Death Bitch IX" to create a fully-rounded character in this film. I wanted to make the gritty, street-wise nature of her character vulnerable and soft at the same time...which is precisely why I chose to go with the pink hot-pants/halter top combination instead of the black leather that the director wanted. My death scene in this film still brings a tear to my eye when I watch it; never have I portrayed a victim with such clarity and truth. When the killer john slits my throat, you can actually see the regret of a life spent on the street in my eyes. Simply stunning.

A Fan's Poem

2008-07-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

A fan wrote this poem all about me. It's sooooo sweet!

I think that I shall never see
A beauty living such as thee.
Your golden hair, your blue, blue eyes,
Your big lush boobs and tight, toned thighs.
To know you is to love you true...
I would throw myself off a cliff and set myself on fire and leave my wife and family for you.

My Special Philosophy

2008-07-23T22:08:00.001-07:00

My Daddy, God rest his soul, always told me that when a girl is as pretty (and later, as beautiful) as I am, it is her duty to share her inner beauty with the world as well as all her outer beauty. I've always strove to live with my special philosophy in mind when dealing with all of the people I meet in my life: Be kind to those less beautiful than I; the smallest smile from me can light up their world.

Isn't that just amazingly profound? I can bring such joy to people that it would be immoral for me to withhold it from them. Therefore, I act and perform and help others to rise out of the dreary boredom of their lives while watching me perfect my art.

It's the least I can do, really. And yet, it's the most.

Memory Lane: "High School Horndogs"

2008-07-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'll never forget my first acting role. How exciting it was! How thrilling. Here was I, a raw talent from the backwoods of Columbus, Ohio, on a real-life Hollywood movie set. I trembled from nerves and excitement as I prepared for my first scene. I'll never forget that first time, no matter how many other first times I've forgotten since then.

The name of the movie was HIGH SCHOOL HORNDOGS, and I portrayed "Naked girl #4."

For this role, I had to truly delve deep into my psyche and create a whole new personality for the character. I named her Ruth, for the Biblical character, because of the whole 'water/re-birth' aspects of the role. I can be seen in the background of the shower scene (I'm the one soaping up my breasts while another girl washes my back), but my touching scene with the girl's track coach was sadly cut just before the film opened. I'm hoping that one day the DVD version will replace my stunningly candid scene.

Memory Lane: "Death Bitch IX: The Annihilation"

2008-07-23T22:05:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd talk a little bit about one of my other roles as Hooker 2 in the classic film, DEATH BITCH IX--THE ANNIHILATION. I know you guys are fascinated with my body of work, so I want to share my wonderful world with you. It's the least I can do.

The role of Hooker 2 was such a stretch for me. How does a small-town girl turned Hollywood actress possibly get into the mindset of a woman who will use her beauty and her body in order to make money? Impossible, one would think, yet I managed to find that part of myself somewhere deep inside. As a result, I created a fully-rounded character who despises a world that would force her to sell her body, yet takes pride in her work. This film marks my first on-screen death scene; I feel that I brought true pathos to the scene where my character is strangled by a killer john. Fun fact: if you look closely, you can see a tear in my eye as I die. I thought that added the crowning touch of realism.

Memory Lane: "Sorority Car Wash 3--Let's Get Wet!"

2008-07-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Because I know you love hearing about my experiences in film, I thought I'd tell you a little bit about the film, SORORITY CAR WASH 3--LET'S GET WET! In this classic I played Debi (FYI: it was my idea to spell her name that way--isn't it cuter? Plus, it was easier for me to remember how to spell.)

This role is one of my favorites, partly because in my heart I'm a water sign, and so I'm SO in tune with wetness. I love going to the ocean in my teeniest bikini and getting all tanned and stuff. And I just love fish, too. Especially when they're fried. I thought about joining Greenpeace once so I could help, you know, save the earth and stuff, but then they told me I could only bring one dufflebag and that they didn't have room for my "save-the-world" wardrobe that I went out and bought ESPECIALLY for them. Losers.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, right...Debi is the best friend of Taylor, president of the sorority--and in fact, it's her idea to have the college's first topless car wash! Sadly enough, I never had the opportunity to go to college-- they made me take some kind of stupid test that they SAID I had to pass. Losers--but I have a feeling it would have been a lot like this movie. I used to date a lot of guys who went to college, tho, and they were cool. The parties were pretty wild, and I have to say I used to get completely wasted. One time I woke up in a frat house covered in whipped cream and shoelaces, with Altoids between my toes. Good times. They always used to say that if I went to college, I'd graduate "CUM LOUD," whatever that means. Sometimes I don't get that high-brow college humor.

In my big scene, I scrub the class nerd's windshield with my breasts--the script called for Debi to use her rear end to scrub with, but I felt that my character would rather use her breasts. It was a challenge to convince Vinnie the director, but he saw my points and agreed. As a result, I think the movie has a much cleaner, clearer message. And girls, FYI: whenever you use your boobs to wash a car, be sure to use a gentle soap! And for God's sake, strap on a sponge! Vinnie made me just use my boobies (he said they "photographed better" against the windows or something. Whatevs!) and my poor nip-nips were sore for days. That's like a football player twisting his ankles...it put me out of work for a while. Not cool.

I liked the overall message of this film, which the director told me was that the nerdy guys always win in the end. I guess. I've never seen it happen in real life, but whatevs, you know? The director was kind of a nerd anyway. He said he was going to write a part for me in "Sorority Car Wash 4--Soap on a Rope," but he didn't. Even after I did my special something to him, too! Loser.

A Sad Poem

2008-07-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

I was watching the news...well, I guess it was a couple of months ago or something...and it made me really sad to see all the fighting and war and stuff that's happening. Why won't everybody just be nice? I cried over it, and then I realized that something good can come out of tragedy, because now I have something to remember when I have to cry on camera, and that's all cool and stuff.

I'm going to write a poem about it. I've just started branching out into writing, and I really like it. People tell me I'm really good with my hands and mouth, so I'm going to use them to write poetry and recite poems. I feel an obligation to share my talent with the world. Otherwise, you would all miss out.

I've got a few lines of my poem already written. It starts out like this:

War. Bad, bad war.
It sucks a lot, you know.
People shouldn't have to kill people.
Some of them are my fans, and I need them
Living. To join my fan club.

Pretty profound, huh? I'll be sharing more poetry later. I have such a gift.

Memory Lane: "Stripped to Kill 5--Root of Evil"

2008-07-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

As anyone who has seen my films can agree, one of my many talents is the ability to use my body to bring meaning and joy to the world. I have been a dancer for many years, since I was a little girl, really. I began with ballet and never looked back. That's why it was such a thrill to be able to expose my gifts to the world in STRIPPED TO KILL 5--ROOT OF EVIL.

For my role as "Kat," the shy yet streetwise young woman in search of true meaning to her life while helping track down a serial killer, I researched my role at the legendary (but now sadly closed--I think it's Jack-in-the-Box now) "Shake-a-Booty" in downtown L.A. and found that lapdancing is not just entertainment...it truly is an artform. I was able to use my junior high cheerleading skills to create the subtle, highly choreographed dance numbers that won me my first "Golden G-String" award. This film is also notable for my second death scene, where Kat is stabbed by a killer patron. I found the director's use of blood rivulets dripping over my naked breasts to be breathtakingly bold and evocative.

FYI: They don't tell you this when you're filming, but sometimes fake blood goes bad and gets a nasty taste (although I've had worse in my mouth). When you see the scene where I spit up a mouthful of blood--it's just before I silently pledge my undying love to Rocco, the hero--I was actually really vomiting a little bit. The director thought it added to the realism and decided to keep it in the film. Oh, Hollywood!

Memory Lane: "Doing It 2: Let's Get Naked!"

2008-07-23T21:56:00.001-07:00

What can I say about my appearance in "DOING IT 2--LET'S GET NAKED!" that hasn't already been said by fans and critics? This film was my breakthrough moment as an actress. It was on this set that I realized yes, this is my destiny. To bring passion and joy and emotion and drama to the world by sharing my immense gifts with the camera.

Playing the role of Tami will always be special to me, because that character truly is my inner child. Tami's innocence as the last virgin in school touched me in a place I'd long, long, long forgotten. The scene in which she gives the flower of her innocence to Biff, the quarterback, brought tears to my eyes as we filmed it--which, I thought, lent the scene a startling realism and truth. Critics have charged that Tami's nudity through much of the film was unnecessary and I can only say that I found it symbolic of her childish freedom and naivite. Plus, I wore a lace g-string, so I wasn't COMPLETELY naked. In that particular scene.

As an actress, I feel that my body can display as much raw emotional truth as my eyes. For example, in the scene where Tami begs Biff to come back to her as they shower in the boy's locker room, you can really see the agony of loneliness in my breasts...watch it again and see how I make them sway back and forth in sadness. My nip-nips refuse to pop up because of the deep grief of my character. And when I turn away from the camera, watch for the subtle moment when I clench my butt in anger and fear that I have lost Biff forever.

Yes, I know...it really is my gift to you.

A Quickie Bio

2008-07-23T21:55:00.001-07:00

I was born on a cold winter's night in a small-town near Columbus, Ohio. The doctor said I was the most beautiful baby girl he had ever seen...and that was the first sign of the things to come in my life.

My beauty has always been somewhat of a cross to bear. As a child, my naturally wavy, cornsilk blonde hair made many of the girls hate me. Especially when I blossomed into a lovely teenager, with flawless skin and perfectly straight teeth. I did so try to make friends with all the uglier girls, but they just didn't accept me. Why, whenever I wasn't out on dates with the football team or the basketball squad, I was crying myself to sleep every night, staining my silk pillows with my lonely teardrops.

I knew at the age of 14 that I was destined to become a star. Certainly, everyone who saw me always claimed that I should become a model, as beautiful as I was. How could I argue? So at 15, once my Daddy recovered from his nervous breakdown after Mother ran away with Pete the house painter, I traveled alone to the big city of Columbus, ready to become a model.

Sure, Daddy went into debt buying my modeling clothes and paying photographers to create my absolutely stunning portfolio, but he believed in my talent and beauty almost as much as I did. If not for my darling Daddy, God rest his soul, I would not be the star that I am today.

Being a model was much harder than I thought it would be. It's so hard to be pretty all the time. And then there were all the gorgeous clothes I had to put on and take off...it was almost a relief when Bob (the photographer) told me I could just keep them OFF! And thank goodness he did, because those pictures landed me my first big acting job!

After appearing in the shower scene in "High School Horndogs", I worked with some of the most brilliant directors in Hollywood. They are such artists that I feel humbled to even know them. My nudity in those films is so necessary to the plot that I truly feel that without me, the films just would not have worked on such a visceral, artistic level. I'll be writing about my films soon. I'm thrilled to be moving into the horror field, because that's the quickest way for a girl like me to really build a fan base and hit it big.

Today, I'm busy, busy, busy making personal appearances at conventions, opening supermarkets in my hometown, signing autographed photos (available for $5 each from my fan club), and--of course!--going to auditions. Right now, I've got three major roles lined up...wish me luck!